Dark Poetry Prose Poetry September 11, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

09-11-04 saturday 9:38pm

lifespans. dreamspans. what's my dream kitchen. that's what the commercial asked. only i don't have one. what's my dream vehicle. what's my future. apparently i have none.

i guess i'm just not a real person. cause i don't think about all the things i want that i don't have. i don't wish for a bigger house. or an extra one for the summer. i don't want any children. can't imagine using them to give my life a meaning untrue. i don't want a husband. all i've ever wanted is to feel good at that moment that i'm in. maybe a little reassurance that the moments after might not be so bad either.

9:47pm 9-11-04 saturday

prune your life like shrubbery. cutting of all the dead ends. shaping. so that to the world it's always been all green and healthy.

eager heartbeats mix with indecision as i contemplate what reason there is to continue pretending.

that i am strong. that i'm okay. that i'm a warrior with a soft breastplate.

people like to say life has meaning. they use religion and reproduction to convince themselves. but they don't convince me.

people will tell you're here make the most of it. and then proceed to secretly wish they weren't.

they're just afraid to die. afraid of hells that don't exist. they only love life because they're not sure what else there is.

poker hearts. gin rummy faces. they're truthful while you deal. but deceitful as you place your bet.

what's the meaning of life. i know it. just to accept there isn't.

why are we born. because our parents were afraid to die. why are we here. because we're just as frightened of it.

you can make your babies. falsify happiness. but you're no better off than i am.

you conceived an excuse to live, but that's all it is.

life is science. not people. life is evolution. not purpose. life is birth. and death. not imaginary gods. not heaven.

life goes on. yes it does. fear perpetuates it.

how long it will last, that depends. on how afraid you are. on how much truth you can digest.

09-11-04 saturday 10pm

i don't care about your fallen towers. three years passed. i don't care about ground zero. it's empty. was so long before it was wrecked. they weren't right in how they went about it, but they were right when they hated us. cause we're all liars. we're the freest country in the world with the most restrictions.

we're not free at all. haven't been since i don't know when. everything is a crime. every step we take is processed.

i don't want to hear about your victims. three years after the fact. everyday people die. more are killed by american citizens than by any terrorirst acts.

i don't want to live in a country that's become a prison just because of a few fundamentallists. i don't want to live like this just because our president is an idiot. and you people. you did. you chose to elect him. and god damn, you may do it again.

not that a democrat in office is the answer really. they're both the same in the end. this government is like an old building. it ought to be condemned. what it needs is to be torn down and rebuilt again.

wake up. grow a brain. you're being misled. your feelings are being exploited. not just by the government, but by the media as well. if government is evil. the media is satan.

everything is decided by them. they supply eager minds with information. the information they see fit. they supply us with our opinions. they tell you who to trust and when to trust them.

09-11-04 saturday 10:18pm

so this is time passing before my eyes. putting its needles into my skin. filling my blood full of its poison and lying, telling me its vitamins.

i can't say that i expected better. cuz i never really did. infact, i expected much less.

but i never really planned on being around this long. and now that i am i wish i'd taken more risk to stop it when youth still afforded me a strong defense.

i guess when someone talks about this much, it's easy to disbelieve them. but honestly, i'd give up everything i've ever known if it meant that i'd never have to have existed.

bullnosed days smooth those hard edges. those transitions form horizontal to vertical. cause night comes all the time. and you're never sure whether you're looking for or if you're hating it. but all along i want to forget how i can as much as it will let. it's not for the best. but it's the best that i can find.

don't you see the darkness growing as it does. daylight waning like a dirty rag. i'm not lost. i know exactly where i am. but that doesn't mean i want to be here. that doesn't mean this is what i've tried to be.

no one's a victim. but not everyone has the power to change. not everything is a decision. soemtimes life just happens. and we're left in the puddle of its premature ejaculation.

i've some things others might envy. and i don't understand. that concept of wanting what you don't have. i've some things which might lead others to say i am fortunate. but i might say the same about the things that they possess.

whatever the possession. whatever the greed. there's no one whose happy with those sort of things. it's not about what you can buy. what you can accumulate. it's not anytrhing you can purchase. not what you can get with a degree. it's who you are. and who they expect you to be. it's the things you can't possess that still choose to remain.

09-11-04 10:57pm sataruday

so you live. have been for some time now. on the verge of wanting to, but not quite.

it's like all the world is outside of your vision. you only see it in peripherals. you sleep. you dream. but what could any of it mean. just that your lungs still work. just that your heart still beats. a physical condtion that means nothing to the head you're stuck in.

so yea, i don't know either. except that the dinosaurs had the better answer. extinction seems a much better plan.

there are supposed to be other places. better. but i don't know. they're still full of people. there are supposed to be countries much freer than ours. all throughout europe. they might be. but i don't know. they'e still all full of human beings. could they be that different from us.

could we really be that lost theat we've forgotten what freedom is. that we think it's about the gods you worship. the morals you see fit. that's not freedom. that's your opinion. it's not mine. and if it's everyone else's then i don't belong here. i never did.