Dark Poetry Prose Poetry September 13, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

9-13-03 saturday 8:50am brick NJ

there are moments in life when you are forced to choose. yourself or them. when you realize that trap door you've been standing on is about to open. all that pleasure you use to forget suddenly turns on you. once it does it always will. until you can find a new distraction.

you can walk away now stumbling, but not having fallen. or you can stay. indulge in this mixture agony and ecstacy. like a drug only better. because it's so real. so alive with passion and danger. you can crawl away now, slightly bruised, but not broken. or you can stay. freebasing this combination of loving and hating yourself until that trap door swings open. see if they let you fall or if they try to grab you. but you already know. it's not just them. it's also what you've chosen.

9-13-03 saturday 8:20pm brick NJ

there you are riding on the last breath of night. trying to fly on it before the morning again suffocates these lives. and here i am floating in the darkness. one tiny pinprick of light amongst all this vastness.

there we were. here we go. into the face of trust like a sucker punch. there we were at the corner of our private turning points.

here we are again like dancing atoms. fusion and fission too many times. it feels so good. and the feeling is so strong. i know we'll just keep on dividing and colliding until we detonate this bomb.

9-13-03 saturday 9:30pm brick NJ

it's reached that point where you have a permanent place in my heart.

once you make certain mistakes there's no fixing.

what can i do now except prepare for the hurt again.

i might've cried, but i didn't. might've punched something, but i didn't want to draw attention to myself or reinforce the realization.

i'm sitting here all night thinking that there's no good way for this to evolve. that monkey that became man is becoming monkey again.

i'm sitting here thinking that it's just one more building soon to be abandoned. another piece of my life condemned. only i never do knock them down. i just let them stand there in the throes of their emptiness and marvel at how much space nothing takes up. at how great an abundance of sadness can fit into the tiniest particle of nothing's universe.

i'm sitting here trying to say why i am and why i'm not. why we seem to join only at the sharpest of angles. and then separate again so soft.

trying to make sense of it for myself, but not just. to have you know where and why and how even if it's just that you might devise a way to make it hurt a little less when it decides that it is time to. and so you don't feel cheated. or taken. or lied to. in all my mistrust i still can't find it in myself to reciprocate. even in my most selfish musings there are still faint traces of the people that i love.

in the time it takes to navigate that path and finally find that permanent place in my heart there are so many chances for me to never let it happen. but some people i just can't deny access. even if i try to make it hard. even if i do my best to delay the inevitable. that's still just what it is. how long it takes. how hard it is. those properties are mutable. but the result was always there, just waiting to be found.

permanent now. and in my mind it marks the beginning of my downfall.