Dark Poetry Prose Poetry September 28, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

9-28-03 sunday 10pm brick nj

close my eyes. swallow the silence. only to realize it's the only thing i've ever had. close my eyes. submit to the movement. only to realize it isn't. that i'm paralyzed.

eyes don't see. hearts don't love. it all seems to happen in the absense of. like pedalling too fast. red lights catch. like listening too hard. choruses crash and leave you alone again.

all that i wanted was just nothing. just to keep to myself. to not bother anyone. all i wanted was just not to be, but when i realized that i must, i just wanted to be able to stand it without too many habits.

every feeling. those notions that come too quick and pop the balloons we put ourselves in. every person. every instance of breathing that threatens with reasons you never saw coming.

it's too late now. it means too much. you insisted on giving it meaning and now it has it. you had to go and make it more than it was. now it is and it can't ever be not.

when i try to write to you the words get all twisted. the things i mean to say develop amnesia and i just type anyway. when we talk it's just like we're friends. the kind that have been for longer than they can remember.

and when we touch it's like love has grown wings and talons. as if it's a hawk in flight and i am a rodent.

have you noticed how it's all against us. not just circumstance, but also fate. that bad things have been happening ever since. first me. then you. we have to stop. either be what's right or else be nothing at all.

9-28-03 sunday 10:27pm brick NJ

if i say that this is the last page and really try to believe it is will that somehow make it so. if i know that that last touch should stay just as it was. nothing further except. if i pretend that last goodbye was much moreso than all those before it. would you turn your switch. forget. not give a shit. or could you deal with it. somehow find a way to be the simple friends we always meant.

or must it be my sacrifice. that all or nothing has tied my hands. and now i am obligated to make my proper loving stance. why must it be my decision. my sacrifice. why must it be that my heart breaks again for no other reason except the love that it chanced.

i knew that i was wrong, but i continued still. i knew that it was not just myself i was endangering this time, but i assumed you were capable of choosing. i knew this could only lead to regret if we let it take us where those cravings beckoned. and still we went. all too willing to be human when human is the worst thing we could be for this.

how can anything we've been ever make you happy enough to risk. i don't want to be the one to think about, but it seems i'm the only one willing. all i stand to lose is you. and i always figured i would eventually. i understand why. i know the urge to tempt life. to jump the cliff. just to feel that much more alive when you land without a scratch.

if i don't answer. if i can't explain. it's just because i know i shouldn't. that i couldn't. that what we are won't allow for anything less than what it wants. and it wants too much. so much more than i'm willing to let you lose. you want to prove you're invinsible, but i just want to stop you before you prove that you're not.

09-28-03 sunday 10:50pm brick NJ

i wish that there was more of "the maxx" to watch. wish that every decision in life was as simple as that. just to press play or to press stop. oh, but isn't it? isn't it so fucking obvious that you hate it.

i wish that i could love something other than what i can't. wish that my decisions were all based upon what i actually want. or at least what i should have.

someday they'll know. all those people that have been what they called friendship. but i know wasn't quite that. someday they'll know how all the metaphors alluded to the misgivings i had never told.

i wish that words could live outside of these pages that imprison. that what i write could be just what i did. so upstanding and withtout regret. like imagry more beautiful than any poet can protest.

someday we'll read this. like a foreign movie with subtitles. struggling to keep up with the subtle plotlines. racing to read the lines before the scene changes. someday we'll be who we were before this. and what we were together will crawl back into the grave that it came from. like all loves that haven't any place in the world we've made.

i wish that it could've been less alone than it was. i wish that we had had the chance to be all that we wanted. wish that life could be so simple as to just offer what is needed and then let us have it. just to press play and to let all the frames dictate their story. not stuck on pause. like this is. i wish that it could be like that. but i've always known that it couldn't.

someday we'll look back upon these pages and laugh at their weakness. wonder how something so feeble could have controlled us.

i wish that it could've been, but that choice was made long before i'd ever asked it. i wish that my goodbyes could be as strong as my intentions. or at least that my friendships could stay where they belong. not need more than. i wish that we could've been what we meant from the beginning. without having to think about what else we had. what we'll have to sacrifice. what we'll miss. what we'll wish we'd never been. it seems too obvious to ask for forgiveness. and whom to ask for it. it seems so naive to request friendship now that it's betrayed us.

i wish that the end wasn't all we have left. but it seems it is. i wish that we could've just been friends. but we didn't. no one knows why. no one is blaming. i just can't let you go on like this. i just can't let you take that kind of risk. i know i've said it before, but this time i mean.

someday you'll know just why. just how it was to. i could wish, but i've wished too much already. someday you'll be glad i did. i could wish, but look what wishing has gotten us. i wish that i could find a better way, but i can't. i wish that this was something easier than it is, but it just isn't.