Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 1, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-01-03 wednesday 8:50pm brick NJ

please stand by. do not attempt to adjust your sets. we are experiencing technical difficulties on our end. or you could change the channel. there are so many choices. or you could just close your eyes and pretend you're sleeping. even if you really can't.

maybe it was exactly as it should have been. like lightning storms that cause power outages, fires and death. it's exciting as it happens. it's unpleasant to see the effects. but that doesn't mean it was bad. it just was. like everything is. good and bad doing their dance for us again. opposites colliding in spectacular fireworks displays. if someone get burned. if someone gets hurt. that's just an accident. let's just tell ourselves the experience was worth it.

i can't speak. and i can't listen. all i can do is hide here in my brooding. it's so much easier to do what's right when there's nothing except your own thoughts. it's so much easier to put myself to bed when those sheets aren't asking for anyone else.

10-01-03 wed. 10:30pm brick

i have to sit here just like this. swimming through the darkness and the drink like an atom without a nucleus. all teeming with fission and nothing to make of it. i want to split, but know not into what. an explosion or a purpose. we'll never know until it happens. blinking dead tears. holding them back. listening to songs you never would have if it weren't for the fact.

you want to know, but you just don't know how much you don't. you want to be here, but only because you know you shouldn't. like the groundhog that you shot. all the world is your domain until someone else with a bigger gun decides it's not. all the world is free reign until someone takes aim.

i should've said so a long time ago. you can feel free to fault me. since i do. you can make a note to hate me since i've waited so long. it just wasn't easy. still isn't. in fact, right now i'm still wondering what i should do. it's not easy balancing your own needs against those of others. it's not an easy decision decidinng who matters more. yourself or them.

and the friends i keep have never been the best. but then came you. so open. so willing. funny how what i'd hoped for made me question. strange how just what i had wanted i couldn't really believe in. i could be right. could be wrong. that's not even what i'm trying to decide.

yesterday left me with this need to sit here like this. brood and pretend that i'm coming to a conclusion i think i never can. monday night filled me with a need to decide if this. it's like listening to a song you know will make you cry and trying so hard to resist it. the tears may never fall. because they're not that hard to stop. but how much can that matter when. it's not about the display of emotions. it's a place just passed that. where every word you could never say. where every tear that never fell is kept. it's a world where the loves you've kept still wait for that day never coming when.

it's just the end no one wants to acknowledge. it's just weekends mispent when you coulda been cherishing what you already had. it's just life doing its best to prove just how much we take it for granted.

i couldn't want you more right now, except for how i want you to be safe. in what you have already. in all the things you need to keep. and none of those are me. i could go on, but why push when we've already done too much of that. i don't want to be right, but i know i am. i don't want to care how you feel, but i always have.

10-01-03 wed. 10:50pm brick NJ

i keep writing because. keeping trying. there's no way to explain. how much i don't want to give this up. how much i know i must. same song over and over until insanity befriends. maybe it can teach me how to be less than human again.

you were the rose. and i was the thorn. and together we could find every way to bleed the sweetest of love's moments. extract every bit of pain from it and drink the crimson juice as if it was acid. tripping on the decadence. love every angle that pain could bend at. i don't have to know how it was wrong to know that it wasn't right. i don't have to mourn at all to eulogize.

it was like falling in love with a ghost. always being reminded of how much you're alive. it was like trying to get into heaven knowing you'd never even believed in it. hearts might make certain allowances, but life doesn't. love might erase the margins, but life draws them in again.

i don't know how you must feel. but i just hope it's better than i do right now. i almost thought i could know what you need, but that was foolish. we're too old. not young enough for this. it's just that even if i could, this wouldn't be how. stealing moments that don't belong to me. i'd rather just have nothing now.