Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 5, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-05-03 sunday 1040pm brick NJ

smooth clean lines. like saying hello and finding a friend there once in a while. a different voice. one that changes your perspective. makes you question why life takes these courses. as if you had them mapped out in your head long before it had even happened.

and how i can take myself and turn from bud to bloom. how everything that could mean is mistrusted. turned into lust. and all the ones that didn't want. they'll always be the ones i love. and those who did i couldn't let. had to make it less just to be able to.

there is a good way to say what i've been trying to. maybe just not with this method. concealed behind the cloak of my mediocre poetics.

i think that the words are on my tongue. that they always have been. and i wonder do you taste them when. and why i still look to die again and agian, knowing the morning will put life back into this flesh.

should i care about you more than myself. or should i just be selfish. drown myself in what this situation can offer until there's nothing left to steal from it.

if i knew what you want. if i knew why you choose. if i could ever ask, but answers are my kryptonite. and i need to be able to fly.

when these newer bruises have vanished this skin will be wanting to make fresh ones. but i still don't know why it does. when i've exhausted every method to avoid i'll have to say. have to ask. regardless of how it may leave us.

play me like your drums. pounding while the rhythm moves through your system. the subtle vibrations that humbly build the foundation for all the more intricate notes. i let go of all that other stuff that wanted to attach itself to those moments in heaven. or at least i've done my best. i never meant to belittle it. i just didn't want it to mean more than i could stand to lose again.

10-05-03 11pm brick NJ sunday

what we were. decisions that couldn't make themselves. what we are now. choices that will never admit. never confess to the lives they've damaged. yours so much more than mine. at least in the strictest of senses.

did you love me. did i return it. it's been alluded to. it's been mentioned, but then later stricken from the record. and for that i can't complain. because if true or not, either way i don't know that i could accept.

life is just a dream we have when we're not sleeping. coax it to happen how you need. close your eyes and it's gone. it's nothing really. all these people. all these needs. it's just selfishness pretending that it isn't. isn't that exactly what love is. if you can believe it.

i could tell you. write it again. wait for the reciprocation, but i wouldn't dare place that big of a bet. i could've said a thousand times in all the chances i had when we were held there in those intimate moments. but it occured to me, why take something so easy and make it hard. why take what good we have and crush it.

i think that i just want to know why you're here. why you choose this knowing all that's at risk. i think that i just want to have a good reason to disregard how much i am a threat to everything that matters in your life. i think i just need to know it's worth it. or if it really isn't.

to love is hard. to let them harder yet. and all the while i'm thinking that love has nothing to do with this. if it ever did, i turned it against itself. took what was possible and made it what i could accept.

and i don't know why it has to matter at all. just that it does. and i don't know if i can ever believe. and even if i could what that would prove knowing the choices we've made. knowing the circumstance of the situation. what can we want that we can ever retain. what can we need that could ever be ours to keep. none of it. what can we ask whose answers might ever be kind. what you want is so a part of me. like every pump of my blood echos the moments we've managed to share. like every hour that passes is all because we've been trying to touch again. but why, i still don't know. how long. how far until the end. how deep. how hard until i break open. what i said i'd never do for you suddenly seems imminent. what i promised myself was not possible. now seems inevitable.