Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 13, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

10-13-04 wednesday 9:39pm

i could've died so many times. there were plenty of occasions. but life was never that kind.

i could've avoided ever being broken. just kept to myself like i always have. suspicious and untrusting. didn't have to end up anyone's leftovers.

the things i do. the impact that i have. it's always confined to people's wallets and groins. to them, it seems that's all i am. just another machine. another method in their madness.

i could've been not nearly as kind and have far less scars to show for it. i could've kept to myself. listened to my suspicions, but god, all my life i've needed something to believe in. and i'm still searching for one.

i am not the money that you make. cold dollars in your closet. i am not the orgasm that you seek. selfish lust in your heart as you pretend to want me for more than just this.

i am not the fool you thought i was. i'm just unable to hate. much too inclined to love. if that is all that separates me from that world, those lives that they clutch. then, i'd rather be here. alone. i'd rather live with these choices i've made than be anyone one of.

i could've died lots of times. i guess i should have. now with no excuse left to live. sympthaty lasts only minutes. but alone is limitless.

your sympathy was a fraction of second. untrue anyway. but the knowledge. the betrayal. there is no end.

there's was no reason. no need for it to be this way. except you took what you wanted. like a thief. like a politician lying to be elected.

there was no reason. i didn't even know you then. all i did was leave the door open a crack. all i am guilty of is not fearing you. of not being afraid to.

i should've died before i ever met you. or anyone. i should've died inside the womb. because this world. these people. i can't be that cruel. i can't manage all that hate. can't pretend it's something else.i can't understand what pleasure there is in winning when soemone else has to lose.

10:27pm 10-13-04 wednesday

has been. never was. occasional suns. your horizons shine much brighter than your future does.

what i did. what i didn't. i'd barely taken my first breath and already. already it was hopeless.

i don't know what i could've done different to save myself other than to be as cold and indifferent as. i don't know what it means to be loved. but i do know now their definition. i can't abide by it.

not taken like a picture. to be kept. not taken at all. rather discarded.

like trash. the useless packaging that contained what you wanted inside of it.

not young enough to keep that as an exuse. i don't need excuse. i am innocent after all. innocent because i loved you.