Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 14, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-14-03 tuesday 8:15am brick NJ

i heard you when you said nothing. listening like a modus without an operandi. i laid there sprawled out in the tall blades of love. like a lawn that needs mowing. green and sharp and moist with morning.

it's friends you try to keep. or that try to keep you. codepending like autumn leaves. and the sound of waking up from a last night that took so much and gave very little. it's sitting here clutching the keys. stalking thoughts that are hunting me. a lion's pride of verses circling. hungry and feral. thoughts that have never known life outside these pages. i'd say someday, but i don't believe. i'd say maybe, but it's not even.

all that i remember is all that i can stand to. resolving moments like algebra. such convoluted methods to find that one simple end. all that i can wait to hear is everything we'll ever share. partial like looking through to it from within a bottle. the glass is transparent, but distortions are evident. the color that it gives bleeds into. and i know that right when i need to i won't be able to forget. remembering is easy when it happens, but forgetting isn't.

10-14-03 tuesday 10am brick NJ

writing as it does choose rhythm and rhyme -
uncomplicated by life - blood and breathing.

loving as it supposes high above wrong or right;
outside morality's petty confines.

10-14-03 tuesday 9:39pm brick NJ

check yourself at the door and sit down at the bar. leave your thoughts behind until morning.

let your fingers explore all new places. change channels and see if the static goes away.

ring me. chime me like a bell. dance me. groove me like vinyl. you can be the needle and i will be the record. we can be the music and the vibrations. just beware of the speakers. just be careful what you play. it might be louder than you meant.

i'm wanting to hear the ring. to answer when. and still wanting not to need to if. dreaming with my eyes open and disbelieving what i'm seeing. living under the influence of more than enough substances.

talking to songs. debating the rhythms. shuffling through life's playlists like a disc jockey on acid. strobing and loud like surburban bowling alley weekends.

i want to find that place again where sorrow was my friend. and love was just a distant cousin that sent a letter only on rare ocassions. i don't want to be what life requests. alive like this and feeling every second. i hate to be alive like this and wanting all the sensations pepetrated by it.

i can't let myself be a victim. and i won't be the villain. i can't kill or lie or hate it. but i don't want to be kind. not again. i can't aim. i can't fire, but i won't be the target.

these words seem to pretend that what they can say has a real presense. that outside my mind they might live. if only. i do. but i can't. don't want to. i have, but it's obsolete. like long play records. like vhs. i do, but it's wasted. like napster and atari. sell it on an internet auction before it's worthless.

10-14-03 11:30pm brick NJ tuesday

know that i am. that i have. and i do. that everything i am right now is everything that is you.

touching upon the surface like landing on a distant planet. no oxygen, but i take off my helmet and i can still breathe. no sun, but i open my eyes and i can still see.

know that this is. always has been. will be. that tomorrow is a fool for asking when today is so certain of everything.

biting like a serpent. all full of venom. coursing through my nervous system like an overdose of emotion. crying like i know how to. as if tears can quench such thirsts. denying because it's so hard to refuse. hating this heart and everything is requests. thinking it has the right. insisting it deserves better. so selfish and withouth a purpose. so stranded like a flat tire on a desert highway. not wanting to be rescued. not wanting to be saved. just to rot there in the penetrating sun. just to cry because i'm female and i need to acknowledge it. that for too long i haven't. just to drown because i'm tired of treading water.

i can't live for. nor die for either. it was always over. just fading much too slowly. it was always black. just so hard to look at.