Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 16, 2004 Dark Poetic Prose

10-16-04 saturday 9:29pm

life is only a backdrop for living. am i moving. or is it only the earth beneath.

wake me up. because i'm not asleep. it's a coma. wake me up or else smother me.

i'm just an object. though i don't want to be. just a vase on your table top holding the pretty flowers in place. only just a container for the beautiful things. you see what i hold. you don't see me.

no more tomorrows to lean on. they've vanished like all those imaginary gods. no wishes. no prayers. just dreams that awaken me abruptly.

just pillows on the floor and moist sheets.

i don't know what i should feel now. that i feel anything at all. i feel just like a sink they washed their dirty dishes in. and now they've pulled the plug. drained it.

10-16-04 saturday 10:47pm

slicing in. your loneliness like orange wedges. zesting it. scraping the skin off of those tender fruits. to grab the essence. without having to know the whole you.

it's tonight again. it always is. terminal. that space between your mask and your face where the truth is hidden.

it's not what i left. because i never did. it's what i was left with. because the deeper thsoe bonds the more likely.

make me cheap. see me how you want to. and so i shall be. make me cheap. only an object. costing you next to nothing. and worth even less.

there've been nights when i wanted nothing more than to cut my heart out just like everyone else had. to not just be on the receiving end, but to be the person doling out the pain.

it's not enough just to say how you feel. neither in written words nor with your tongue. everything needs something tangible. something to hold onto if it is ever to trust.

i had a garden. a whole landscape full of. the easiest kind of life there is. just nothing blooming strong. empty petals kissing the wind.

i had all i needed. a world of nothing. that never asked and never took.

i don't know why i chose to let you change all that, but i knew at first glance that you would.

maybe the world out there in which you live started seeping in. and this place i nest. these habits and these cages began leaking into yours.

i guess it was as bad a combination as it was good. like thunder and lightning.. you were the strike and i was the sound. like everything that intense, we quickly burned out.

i had all i could ask for. that easy place where the heart lies dormant. nothing matters. and nothing has to unless you choose to let someone change you.

i don't know why i chose you to be different than i'd always been. i couldn't say why the risk was worth it then, but from that first look i knew it wasn't something i couldn't refuse.

maybe i'm better now. maybe i'm worse. would it even matter.

we're separate again. no pouring rain. no summer storms can reunite this thunder and this lightning. the sky is dark. the clouds are slient. and it'll be someone else, not us that brings them together again.

10-16-04 saturday 11:29pm

guilty with. the smell of indiscretion's sweat. sure of nothing still. like i always am. there's no proof that anyone ever has or that they ever will.

all night you promise yourself you won't believe them. come tormorrow you taste it there and betray yourself.

it's not them. it's you. you betray yourself. you knew just as well.

you knew. just wanted to live the lie for as long as they'd let you.

above the hope. below the wish. love lays there like a cripple. feigning it is weak. while all the while it's been beating you.

it could've been easily resisted. but this heart had other ideals. not the it sought to take away with. but just that it didn't want to miss the oppotrutnity to know you. to have this to rermember after it had been.

you'll never know how true. how difficult it was to choose. between nothing and the prospect of you.

you'll never understand how hard it was to be myself again. to let someone else make their footprints in that sand.

you'll just smile as you remember how easy it was to take what you sought. how available the prize was.

but it wasn't because i was naive. it was because the only choice is all or nothing. that's who i am. all or nothing. that's what it is. love or don't. i can choose. but once i do there's no going back.

so remember this if nothing else. i chose you. was not chosen by. those decisions were mine to make. i had nothing to lose. and never sought to gain.

i had nothing to lose. and everything to love. because what i felt was real. no matter what.

what you wanted. what you felt. nothing i know.

what you sought. what you had. i was nothing to you. i've never been anyting to anyone.

but that doesn't matter. i know just who i am. i know just what i have.