Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 18, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-18-03 saturday 7:32am brick NJ

in tired mornings there are ghosts in the soul that come out of their closets. in tired mornings confounded by the prior night's expenses, empty pockets are what you expect to have, but you don't now that that's what you wanted.

so quiet as this time is, it leaves little space for justification. as hungry as these morning are, their senses are much too acute to be satisfied with your stale, day old excuses.

when it comes to light. dawn just having arrived. and you wake up without a reason to. just open your eyes because the dreaming has stopped. when it's morning again and it's so tired like this. those ghosts still busy with last night's haunt. just let them finish because you're the one who's wrong. just be patient because you're the one who doesn't belong.

10-18-03 saturday 10:50am brick NJ

what to do with this
now that it's already
been done to us?

color these hearts with
the pigment of friendship
and hope that it's permanent.

wash this love in all
the foul things we can
find to do to it and
hope that when it
comes to question
we have a little
something left to give.

10-18-03 saturday 1:21pm brick NJ

no it's not and yes it is. the sun makes the light and the clouds make it change. the ocean makes the waves and the beach teaches them how to break.

how long. how often can i sit here on these empty days holding my pen so awkwardly as it violently fucks the pages. how long. how often can i try not to say it before it comes out unexpectedly and in the worst kind of way.

no it's not and yes it so much is. like every feeling you dare to trust. it's real, but only so long as you believe it. it's genuine. as genuine as god and heaven. build your stairway and see where it ends.

10-18-03 9:57pm brick NJ

i know that it will end. that it must, but i don't understand why it has to. or why anything this good does.

i've always known that love has a limited lifespan, but i've never been able to accept that fact. like learning as a child there is no santa claus. everything that comes after is emptier than you ever could inagine.

i know that it's not forever. that forever doesn't even exist. not in lives. not in hearts. not in this kind of passion. in fact that's what's the hardest. that something this intense will burn out quicker. that every second we love eachother is taking that away twice as fast.

i don't know what i'd do without you. and i wonder what you would do given my absense. it seems impossible to fathom. like not breathing but still alive. like leaning into your shoulder and dreaming with my eyes wide open. shunning the thoughts that try to tame us. weak like a child. ravenous like a tigress.

i know that it will end. i've witnessed it on so many occasions. in your glancess. in your pauses when you almost said, but held back. sometimes holding back is the last thing lives can muster. and then a few heart beats later it's all that they can trust.

not so many lovers, but just enough. becoming friends for lack of better alternatives. so many methods to self-dsestruct. when i do. when it finally happens. your face. your touch is the last thing i want to take with me into the never.

i sometimes wish i could coax it from you the things you think. the highways you take us. hours kept like hawks in flight as we stare up envying their freedom. their dominion over the thing we can only lust. i sometimes talk when the thoughts build up. piled higher than the highest prepcipice life was ever able to construct.

if it can be this good. this passionate. i don't understand why it can't last. knowing as i do so often it is certain. every moment draws on commitment. but to what have we commited this. moments of interactions sprinkled with a lascivious attraction.

i don't know why anything is. not just this, but everything. i don't know how i'll ever let go of this. i'll always need you in my life reagardless of how we choose to use it..

i can only hope you'll want it too, just as much. i can only sit here in the propencities of love's faulty devotions and try to cherish what this is before it no longer has any use for us.

i know that it's not forever. just as much as you do. and forever seems a huge pretense when it can't offer anything other than hearts to shatter. things to miss. we say those things trying so hard not to mean them, but they don't listen. they have their own plans. it won't be easy. won't be pretty. i know this but i still wish.

i know that you're here in my life more than i'd ever imagined anyone could. i know how deep. how far it burrows, not just flesh. not merely sex. a sun dawned on this dark horizion, and now again i'm so frghtened of when it will forget.

to need isn't to ask. to love isn't to demand. it's givinig more, much more than you ever thought you had. and waiting on the alter of your vulnerability. waiting for it to decapitate me.

i hope it never happens. i hope that we can always be. please don't hate me because i can't not love. just know that in time all love turns to friendship. and when we can't be this, we'll still have that to be, if you want it. if you can stil find it in yourself to want me.