Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 19, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-19-03 sunday 9:20am brick NJ

in the aftermath of that subtle destruction. that leaves the outside still standing, but ashses within. you try to hold on in the darkness, but it slips. your mind wrestles with your heart over love. that fair and evil princess. so you try letting go instead, but you remain just where you are. wrapped tight in its blanket, yet feeling so naked.

in the aftermath, when it comes to that. let's try to have a little something left of. we can wage these wars within ourselves. with our other commitements. i just hope we never turn on eachother.

and that i know. there in the dirt. the lonesome trees looking down upon us. that i know had nothing to do with love. then the aftermath. your shoulder my pillow. our hands trying to clasp, but unable to hold.

i feel it. felt it before then. like that depression that shows itself with no explanation. it always has one. it just sometimes takes time to find it. now i have. you're moving away from it. not leaving, but building a moat. a bridge that only play and sex can cross, but where love must remain on the other side of that murky water. where it must watch and want as it learns to accept it is not allowed to enter.

and in the aftermath i know it's right. what you're trying to do. that it's better for both of us. right now it hurts, but i know. always did know i could trust in you to make sure it hurt as little as was possible when that's what i asked. and make it hurt as much as i needed it to when that's what i had to have.

10-19-03 sunday 6:25pm Island Heights, NJ

used and cheap. like drugstore perfume. used and fucking and having asked to be. drawn back to the old places. searching for the me i lost when. fucked like an animal. scary how one moment you can make me feel so truly loved and in the next breath so damn worthless.

funny how we never said goodbye last night, but it feels like more than ever we did this time.

the devil must have been there in the pines with us then. cuz it feels like he took my soul and buried it there.

i'm not afraid i won't get over it. cuz i know that i will. no matter how deep. how strong the love, time is stronger still. i'm not afraid of the pain. you ought to know how much i can enjoy it. i'm afraid that this is how it's always going to be. one long goodbye after another til the day that i die. that i've always been used and worthless. no matter who's been doing it.

the water moves away from me. constantly. it knows better than to stay too close to me.

i feel it like this knot in my back from last night. sharp and precise. you're gone. it's just a matter of driving the rest of the miles. just a few more traffic lights. i wanted to say goodbye then. to your face while i still had the chance. to tell you i love you. just once tell it to your face. but i couldn't say it. couldn't even say goodbye. though i know ultimately it says itself if neither of us is that brave.

so we each said nothing. just went home again. but in those silences it seems that's where all the really important stuff gets said.

i didn't want to say goodbye. so i didn't. but i still couldn't stop it from happening. i didn't want to be fucked. i wanted to make love, but maybe there's no such thing for me.

October 19, 2003 Sunday 8:53pm Brick NJ

is it me or did something change. feels different now. felt different then. like love traded itself away to sex. no love in those motions. just sex. just flesh using flesh.

and it's curious how the last thing i said to you was that i wanted to make love and instead i got fucked like a bitch.

i'm crazy. i know. given to fits of insecurity. but my intuition has yet to fail me. it's only a matter of descerning if it's as such or just fear making a fuss.

or maybe it's just that i know it must. much further in and we'll be trapped in its depths.

so maybe it's just that survival demands these hearts begin their ascent back up out of this grave we've dug for our relationship. before something outside our means closes the coffin. and pain throws that six feet of dirt upon. maybe love was just a star we watched falling. some sad, lonesome little wish that never was acknowledged.

i feel. have recently, like you're on your way. back to that rightful place before i came and made things so complicated. i can't complain. i can't let those tears drop. knowing i opened the door and invited in the pain. knowing how i sat with it sipping tea in friendly conversations.

but most of all. i wonder if this is true. that goodbye has broken through, will what we promised be able to stay true. will friends come of this. if they could, why then does it seems we've been everything except.

just tell me is this the road apart. is what i feel real or just the swelling of my heart. too full of love to accept its presense. wanting you too much to cope with another day the same as.

not fucking. i can't do it again. and making love seems just a parody of the emotions i've let subsist. hardly something that could ever happen. hardly what you could want from this.

all i know is that it felt different then. that it feels different now. looking back, remembering myself enjoying the belittlement. now that it's be done, i covet the chance you couldn't give. to know the love i never did.

but if that's not within your options, i can't cry foul. i threw the pitch. if you hit it out of the park, that was my mistake. if i said love because i thought you could. i'm sorry if i was wrong. i never intended to request what you didn't want.

and even so. even if you did. and every moment was soaked in the scent of it. still goodbye has never been quite so eager. still friendship never had such a challenge.

what i want. what i need. what i feel. i can't express any of them. all i have left of right is just to keep it to myself and try to understand your perspective.

still i can't forget how strange it felt. to be fucked. really fucked by you for the very first time. it sticks with me like a tattoo on my flesh. it's so new right now that i can't help but keep staring at it. this foreign presense that's now a apart of my person. i know that one day it will fade into the commonplace, but right now it's swollen and shiny. still vivid and tender and so fucking obvious.

10-19-03 sunday 10:42 brick NJ

in the midst of i see it all happen. like dying and still seeing everything you ever were. it hurts more than you can imagine. love turned to something so much less. like picking a petal from a rose just when she loves me not is the quotient.

you love there in your world it creates. filled with reasons i ought to be hated. and you're probably right. what else can i claim.

songs repeated and haunting following us as we traverse long highways. caught in the middle of night without a means to be better than the shallow reasons we've claimed. to pretend. to act as if what we are is more than it is. to listen as the drunk men proclaim their love for women we'll never know. have never met. and hear it too real. those words. then to run into the woods like animals hell bent on pleasure. fucking like beasts and then later pretending hands can clasp. as if anything we've done knows what love is. or how we feel when. it was lost. never found. just a caption on a page without a picture or a link to defend.

what we had. that is if we even did. i fear it now. like the morning threatens. i cry wihtout tears because what's the use now. breaking for the sake of. a futile endeavor thatonly leaves questions we can't answer.

i want you. i love you. just know that i can't be yet, if ever. i don't mistrust. i just know who i am. how little there is to touch.

friends maybe if you say so. but i know what friends become when. far and distant like moons to tides. you can feel them pulling on, but that's as far as it goes. never the same again. i'll miss you when you're gone. even knowing that you always would. i'll try not to cry because i should've known better. we took what wasn't ours. whatever we can retain of this is a blessing. whatever stays with us, i can only love it. like i did you. too much to befriend. too passionate to deny. letting the loneliness wash over me as it does, i wished that, but i shoudl've known better. i guesss i always did. but it was so much sweeter just to believe it this for a little while.