Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 21, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-21-03 tuesday 7:45pm brick NJ

tender your love like interest rates. how much have i earned today?

tell me that you could never and in the next breath that nothing's forever. well, i know the latter is a fact. so i guess the first must be the opposite of that.

gather yourself up and carry the clutter over to the bed. then throw it all down on the sheets and watch the pieces scatter in a thousand directions. gather up the remnants of the day and put then into the night's blanket. turn on the other music and seek out the silence that listens to the things you can't say.

i'm over myself. don't need me to love me. but i'm under you. right where i shouldn't be. but it feels too fucking good.

crass are these words that recently are mine. wry and self-serving like the situation they are mirroring. just relfections. nothing, but. and trangressions of love and lust.

bloated egos popped and fragile hearts stopped. life chances to live and this is what happens. time gives us a few minutes of happiness and we steal the rest.

i've done my epiphanies. i've suffered my sins. i've given all myself away and gotten the gift back unopened. i've been lost and found. friends, foe and seductress. i've faced my catharsis. learned how to stay friends. there's nothing i can't do except say no to you.

10-21-03 8:54pm tuesday brick NJ

if i can't think of what there is to say should i try to write it down anyway. if i can't find a good reason to love you that isn't tainted with a million others for why i shouldn't. should i keep going. just ride the slope of this mountain. see what the bottom has to offer when i end up down there.

it's been done. all too much. all too often. like dry lips thirsting for the bottle's kiss. it's been kept. oh so tight in the charred remains of this black box life.

and turning the pages back i listen. i envision the feelings that went with the crashes. the fear. the death. and all the human frailties that huddle close to them.

i can't tell you that i don't love. not without out lying. but i can't tell you that i've ever wanted to either. i take what it is. hearts are so much opporunists. the driving rhythm of captialism hidden in such a sweet and unpretentious flaw in life's design.

surrender takes no effort. just lay back in your mistakes and let them overtake all that you could want to remember. giving in is such an easy option. just huddle yourself under the shadow of those corners in your heart where light does not escape.

you know i'll miss you when. when you can't look me in the face and still find what you once did. i'll cry when you play those chords in my heart. beat the rhythm we share and dance like a marrionette. i honestly only meant to care, but not too much. i honestly felt the love, but never expected it would drive so hard.

as i sit here in this solitude my dominion i ask myself how easily you invaded it. knowing all too well how i invited it. as i sit here drowining in my consequence. i wonder if i i ever really knew how to swim. or if i went in knowing that i didn't.

10-21-03 tuesday 9:27pm brick NJ

the minutes descend gently like colored leaves jumping from their trees. nature's suicide to start the cycle anew. i try to take her lesson, but it's not an easy option to choose.

the reasons i stay. i know them. but yours i don't. the reasons to leave, i''ve too many of them, but want and need hold fast their sovereign. it isn't much of a batle when chances don't come often.

playful punches. dotting the obvious with antagonism. isn't that just what we've always done. bitiing and bleeding eachother to remember how alive we are. bruising and burning ourselves to discover how much pain love really craves from this parody of it we've staged.

i know the players. i've got the dialogue memorized. improv is easy now. like talking to myself sometimes. so different. so the same. you never needed to change me. you just wanted to know. and i feel the same. you never wanted anything other than what i had. and i was all too willing to give. and to submit when the moment asked it.

i keep writing to discern the keepers from the transients. in every connection there are all those factors. in every commitement there is an escape route. hearts need to know that they can get out even more than they need to know that they've been let in.

i wish it wasn't so, but unfortunately i know that it is. it's not sad. it's not anything except circumstance. there are all kinds of reasons for them. ours are not so unsual. our predictament is no more deserving of pity than any one is.

i had to love you. i know i did. because only you could love me too. and this life deserved to feel that just once before. i never meant to trespass, but those grey areas in wrong and right make excuses i'm so eager to accept.

it should've been obvious long before it happened that any love i could ever know would have it's limits. not that all don't, but these are so restrictive, even if we've yet to obey them.

no, i don't want your forever. i never did. don't even believe it exists. all i ever wanted was this. what we are now to last. not to have to end. it can change. it can evolve depending on how time decides to treat us. i won't ask. and i'll always try to listen. i can't want too much. not more than your friendship when it comes to how it must. just for the love that we've grown to adapt as is needed. it's the least that it could do for us after all we've given it.

10-21-03 9:41pm brick NJ

if i say it first could you tell me you do.

or can i wait for you to make easy. to say i do too.

i've never said i love you to anyone's face. and i wonder if i'll ever have the occasion.

though i don't know the use. seeing things as they are it seems so futile. here where we draw these pages. the ink is invisible. and the verses are tainted.

it's just i never have. never believed it worth the effort. better to hold back knowing that it wasn't mutual.

so tell me is it like that again. or should i risk it.

i'd be willing to place my bet on you even knowing that the house would win. i'd take my losses and still count myself a winner just to know that someonewhere in your heart there's a place where i am always welcome.

and would you even want to hear it. would it make it worse or better. and where after can we go then. freeze that moment in time and stay suspsended. wouldn't that be nice. but what is real of this. what can we take with us when it's ended.