Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 25, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-25-03 9:16pm brick NJ saturday

like anyone gives a shit beyond their own means. what they want and need.

bargain with your conscience. manipulate your values to accomodate what you want. then claim you never meant. now you're doing the right thing again. funny, isn't it. how you only do the right thing when threatened.

i don't feel nothing anymore. maybe it's the alcohol. the other little things i mix with it. or maybe it's just that every time i let myself feel something i always regret it. always end up finding out how little it really meant.

have your little arguments with yourself. see if you win or lose. hold onto your little pieces of happiness. they need to last.

i've always been alone. before you. during. now after. it's was just a facade. just a temporary illusion i let myself believe in. i'll not be fooled again.

i'll just be killing myself slowly with aid of drugs and loneliness. you could never change that even if you really wanted.

so you can watch me if you want. marvel at how a life can consume itself. wonder why all life isn't created equal like they say.

i'm not broken. so i can't be mended. this is it. who i've always been. i'm not stupid. i know all the many whats and ifs. but it was a good time nonetheless.

i can't suppose why you do, but i know that's just what you choose. and i don't want anything anyway. cause i could never give enough to justify. i just hope you're happy. cuz someone ought to be. or that if you're not, you'll find it eventually.

10-25-03 saturday 10:12pm brick NJ

what do i want. that's what you once asked. what do i desire. honestly. not to have ever been born. not to have all the guilt that a life requires.

no, i'd rather have never loved. rather not anything at all. rather no friends. not any experience. just never to have been.

no entanglements. no tears shed in my absense.

that's all i've ever wanted. to have never existed.

so now you know. but you disbelieve it. what does it matter when it's impossible to make happen. so now i've admitted. as if you didn't already know.

but friends i haven't trusted since. and lovers, well they have their uses. friends, i've always had my doubts. and love, that's something i keep for myself. it's not a magic place where two hearts go. it's an island in my soul where i get stranded on occasion.

and i'm sure you can tell i'm not too sad now, since these lines have come out like shit. it's true. i'm feeling nothing much. it happens. always does. little while after that happiness turns round again and runs.

it happens sure as daylight and darkness. a few moments and then.

and the funny thing is, i never wanted any part of it. i was always looking for the exit.

so i loved you. so what. that's just me driving the wrong way down a one way street again. it's not as if i ever expected. i've never expected anything from anyone. would rather not be disappointed.

10-25-03 saturday 10:40pm brick NJ

murder's eyes can sometimes look innocent as a child's. it's the nature of pain. you'd never let into your heart if you knew who it was. so it disguises itself in the clothes of love.

cuz it needs us. without these fragile hearts it's nothing. it's our feelings. our wants that give it life.

it needs. us. we choose to worship or to snub it.

i don't know what it is. but there's something i don't trust. i only know that i often choose to love that which is out of reach. i don't know why, but what's the difference. i know that the real sort is not something i could ever know or believe. like the tide that constantly hugs the shoreline. their lives always intersect, but they can never stay together. like every life that's ever collided with another. you meet. maybe touch. you feel whatever happens. then at some point it becomes too much. you crawl back into that darkness you came from. another memory to recollect when time permits. you never intended to take anything away from it. you did what you did and then it was over again. like a song. wending melodies rambling on. like a moon cruising the night sky. teasing the stars. come morning, the sun will rise. and it will all be forgotten. it won't mean anything. the come the next sunset, it'll happen all over again. who knows why. it just is. who cares. i can't be broken again since i've never really mended. i've no use for loving anymore. it can crawl as deep into my heart as it desires, but i won't listen. i won't give it the satisfaction. it's never done anythign for me except make it hurt more again.

10-25-03 saturday 11:34pm brick NJ

last beer of the night setting in. what can i do except pretend it's all gone as planned. what am i to do other than amend my plans. make it look as if this is how i intended.

i don't want to know what you felt. what you didn't. i don't want to talk about feelings.

i've been fucked. i felt it when. and i don't think i can get over that. not enough to love you again.

last beer of the night on a long one. and it causes me to realize that all i've been without hasn't subsided.

whatever you want. whatever you claim. it really doesn't matter. even if i could believe it wouldn't be like this. even if i could, not int his instance.

love has its say. has its presense, but it's not omniscent. how young do you think i am. so love. so what. how far. how much. how good has that ever been. for me. for you. for anyone.

i don't need a reason to carry on. since i've never had one. i don't need a reason to pick up. i will when i feel like and won't when not. i'll love you. this you can be sure, but not without suspicion. not without a barrier between every moment. i'll love you, because that's what has happened, but i won't do it blindly. i won't do it without question.

and if ever you should find a way to really love me. well, let's just say that i won't be holding my breath.