Dark Poetry Prose Poetry October 28, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

10-28-03 tuesday 8:44pm brick NJ

left the crying for another night. it's useless now. or that's what i'm trying to believe.

i don't disbelieve. i'm just afraid of trusting too much. to put everything into it is a frightenning concept with or without the circumstance.

i wanted so much to be loved and now that you've given me that i'm so petrified of losing it. of screwing it all up.

i wish that i could've been a raindrop instead of a person. then my falling would have its purpose. then once the sun came again i'd quickly dry up and be forgotten. just barely having had existed. hardly time enough to to do any damage to myself or others. one tiny little raindrop in amongst thousands. one pinpoint piercing a lonesome puddle. until the sun dries it all up.

i just wanted to feel alive again. to feel like life is something that could actually be lived. you gave me that. i got just what i wanted. now i find myself needing you too much. now i see it's so unfair. now it feels like my crime is also my punishment.

i was happy. if you can imagine that. me, happy. so content. for a little while it was a pleasure to be alive. to know that there were just a few more days until you'd make it feel that good again.

and i'd wonder as we would indulge can i give enough. how can i ever repay the gifts that you've given. and i'd fret. how can this find a way to sustain. and when it can't thinking about going back to before that. i never want to live a day without you wanting to be a part of it. i suddenly find myself wanting forever, though i always intended not. i suddenly find myself wanting to take back every statement i have made. just to fall into your arms and split wide open. to have you consume the contents. then. maybe then, it could be that good again. then. maybe if, forever would let us.

i just wish sometimes that i didn't know better. that i could scream that loud into these empty caverns and not hear it come back to me. that as much as i believe. as much as i do love . forever were actually an option. that this happiness you once brought isn't lost. that my mistakes haven't crippled it.

waiting for it to mend. bandaging the gap. i want that bridge back. i've loved before. once. but not like this. i long for the night when you'll find it in yourself to make me feel that good again. i'm hoping you still want that. i'm hoping that what i have to give makes it worth your effort. it gets darks now so early. it's hard not to call. hard not to say. hard to want you so much and not ask. harder still to be questioned about it.

and it hurts sometimes because i can't want anything. it's not my right. i just lay in wait to find out what you want so that i can give it. because from you, i've already received more than i could ever expect. because you gave though i never asked. isn't that what everyone needs. isn't that the one things that's so hard to have. isn't that why hearts keep beating when they long ago meant to stop.

hold me again. and i'll be content. stay. be a part of my life. and i'll not ask, but only take what you think i should have. hold me again and make breathing worthwile. come. be a part of my life. that's all i ever wanted. though i could never ask.

10-28-03 10pm brick NJ tuesday

well, i just gave you everything. and now i sit here wondering how much you'll take.

i just wanted to submit at last. give in to the fact. instead of always fighting it.

cause knowing ultimately the end has its place. it seems useless to waste the chances that we're given.

i was happy. happier than i've ever been. and i know i'm the one that screwed it up.

i just want us to find our way back to before that happened.

and if we can't. you're still my friend if you want it.

i was just collecting raindrops. just waiting for calls i thought couldn't come. just wanting more than anything to hear your voice again. and wishing that i didn't. trying to forget why i shouldn't.

and wondering what you want. what i could ever give to you. melting like a lonely snowflake when the earth hasn't frozen yet. just feeling more than i deserve to. just feeeding on the love you offered and feeling guilty because.

i never wanted to take. if you can believe that. i just wanted to be there in your embrace. to never have to leave. i never wanted to challenge anything you needed. i just wanted to be someone you would like to be with.

all the things about you i don't understand i want to. all the reasons that you defend. i can't judge. i just want to hear their testimony. just to know how it came to be that here is where we are now.

i've felt the feelings. felt them from you. i can put that away in a safe place. we can keep them long after there's little else left. but right here. right now. i want you to hold me. i want to feel your flesh against my own. i know you need that affection as much as do i. i don't want to be wrong. i don't want to take what isn't mine. but then i know i haven't. cause i didn't pillage. you gave it.

i break at those brief converstaions. i need more of you again. not just your presnse. not just your touch. but everything you want to give i need it. and need evenmoreso to give it back.

whatever love is this time. angel or demon. i don't believe in either of them. whatever lives can conjure when empty threatens i don't care. i don't need their feeble plans. i just want you here. here with me now. as i always have. i just want you to want to be. or if you can't i need to know it.

i just need your voice. your presense. your desire to be there like no one else has. in spite of everything we've done or said. in spite of all the reasons we never should have. i want this. i need it more than i ever meant. and i feel guilty, but that doesn't make me want you less.

10-28-03 2:59m tuesday brick NJ

you're the one. the only one who loved me in spite of myself. you're the only one who can take my misery and make it seem funny.

you love me in spite of myself. how can i not love you no matter what else.

how can i not want to be with you as much as possible. when you're the only one who ever made being me something enjoyable.

you love me in spite of myself. and i love you in spite of everything else.

10-28-03 tuesday 2:28pm brick NJ

scattered voices through the grey clouds and i think that one might be calling my name. hopeless choices make their way through my grey life and i wonder who i'm hurting. not just myself this time.

maybe it's that i'm afraid to believe you. that it's safer to disbelieve. cuz if i believed you then i'd be losing so much more. if i believed you i don't know that i could get over the loss.

it's hard to write when it hurts this much. i'm often intoxicated by sadness, but this feels like an overdose. so why doesn't it kill me.

i cry my tears, but i keep them hidden. try not to let them show. tired of being open. always swimming in my own blood leaves me weak and empty.

give me time. just hang around. if you really want to be. if you really want me to believe. just give me time. let this sorrow sink down and in time the better parts will rise.

it's just it felt so good for a little while. it's hard going back to this. i don't want you to leave. that's just it.