Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 1, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-01-03 saturday 11:58am brick NJ

from the start of a sentence all the way through to the end of it, just like life, it tries to live. just like people, it wants to be understood. accepted.

i am just this. what you see. what you've gotten.

from the beginning of a day all the way through to the close of a night, just like love, it abides. just like us, it struggles. then eventually dies.

11-01-03 saturday 9:50pm brick NJ

it's hard to to be able to ask. i can't complain though. since this is as much my fault. it hurts to think that love means so little. that's it's not about what it promises. merely a temporary desire to feel something. something new again and revel in it's pleasures for so long as they'll allow. it's hard being anyone. but much harder for some.

it hurts no matter what. no matter how the situation mutates. and choices seem just fiction when i realize that all my choices were never mine to make. that i always allowed them to depend upon the person that i needed. and i really wouldn't mind being alone. i'd have no objections except for all those times that they tried to pretend they could make it not so.

i don't know why. i guess it's best that i shouldn't. love to me seems just a temporary high. another chemical that softens life.

if it was ever real. if it could ever be. i think i would've by now come to believe. but i know what you really need. it isn't me. it's only the pleausre i'm willing.

i can't accept. be it true or not. and what could it matter if i did. given the circumstance. where in lies the purpose. what can we hope to gain from this. a little fun. possibly friendship. but all seems empty now as i watch you going back.

knowing that you should. not wanting to change a thing. about you. about me.

waiting to die can be such a long process. and life only hinders it. i felt alive. now i can only wish that i hadn't. to carry that memory with me will be my greatest burden yet.

to watch you go back from where you came and hope that it will retain all it had before this invaded. i'm not stupid. i know there were deceptions. i know every moment has its reasons. that every touch has its quest. to feel good so long after you never expected you could again.

what will become of us. these roots that sink too deep into the soil of our hearts. what will we have when we have nothing left to claim. something i hope. someting. anything better than we had before then.

11-01-03 saturday 10pm brick NJ

how r ya. were tricks or treats fun?

well, i've fucked myself up pretty good. so take anything that followws with that in mind.

sometimes i wish that i could call you. but ever since the bad message, more petrified than ever.

it sure oughta take a lot more time to miss someone. oughta take as long as it does to truly trust them. but then that might be never. depends.

wish i could believe you miss me as much as you claim. that it could really be. if i were anyone else i probably would, but i'm still just me.

i had a purpose when i started this. i guess i'm just afraid that friends won't let us be. that attraction won't allow. cause i've always been fighting it and i've yet to succeed. but i imagine you're much stronger than me.

it's just that i feel it all changing. and change isn't bad. it's more a matter of how. change could be better. could be worse. we'll never know until we submit to that curse.

i know just what it can be. all that it can't. it's not me asking. it's just fear. cuz you're something more than a friend with benefits. or at leat that's what i'd envisionsd.

becuase lives that wait for every night that will take them away from themselves again have no right to ask for anything better. and i know that's just what i am. because love isn't something we can seduce. she plays our flesh and motives like a concert cellist.

i never wanted. just was caught up in the happening. it takes so much time to become friends after all those other things we've been.

i'm just so tired of hurting. of always wanting what i can't have. even if it is my fault. it was an accident. even if i deserve to feel like this. for how long?