Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 2, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-02-03 sunday 8:27pm brick NJ

no loves have i of my own. they always belong to someone else. fallen into i have. but to be fallen into i've never known.

only secrets have i to keep. only lies to remember. only alone to be with me.

no dreams have i to reap. only death. waiting for he.

no future have i to conspire. no reason to. i've never wanted life and it keeps me only out of spite.

no loves have i of my own. it isn't to be. no friends have i to keep. only alone.

11-02-03 9:15pm sunday brick NJ

i know my sins. all too well. and i also know it's not them that has wrapped me in this dark cloud. i've always been. they are merely the symptoms of.

i know what you love. the many things. none of them are me. and i'd expect no more. no less.

and i know i don't ache for you, but simply because i always have.

i find my reasons. i make my means. i was made to hurt myself any way i can. i was born a poet. i have lived as such. and eventually i will die as one.

i know my sins. all of them. and they know me. we are those rare sort of enemies that thrive on each other. that never want the war to cease.

i know my sins. all that i have been. and though i've never meant to include anyone in my pain, someone always is.

i know what love is. and it hasn't anything to do with me. i know what love means. it means nothing when you are me.

i know what you love. what makes you want to live. and i am not any part of. i'm just a temptation that fell upon your pages. a chapter you should've never written. i know my sins. all of them. i never meant to hurt anyone except myself, but it always seems to happen.

i know what you love. and how very much. and i pray that i never threaten that again. that these sins that are me can keep their distance. i know love. and in this life is doesn't exist. you were just distracted, but. i never meant to hurt anyone except myself. so why does it always happen.

i never meant to love, but sometimes. i never thought i could be. i still don't believe.

11-02-03 sunday 9:50pm brick NJ

i've never had anything to lose. so how so much loss. i've never had anything worth hanging onto. but i guess i've almost believed it at times.

funny how, you can have nothing and feel every night like you're losing so much. it's as if all the things you wish you could have are playing your heart like a violin.

i've never had anything to lose. so how can it feel like i've lost so much. just a trick of time and emotion that plays out like some long sonata of beethoven's.

i've never had anything to lose. not any of them. not you. and even as i knew it true it felt so real when. like a dream when you don't know you're dreaming. like the shadow of a hope you never could admit was fading.

11-02-03 sunday 10pm brick NJ

i don't want to be that strong for a change. i just want to be weak. just want to be saved.

i don't want to see just how much i can take. don't want to endure. i just want to be sick. want to be cured.

i just want to be a girl. the kind that cries and is comforted. the kind that is helpless and is not neglected.

i don't want to be that strong. don't want to have to make these choices. i just want to be a girl. to be rescued for once instead of being the villain.

i don't want to have to let it go again. to confront the concept of just being friends. i just want to be a girl. to be loved just once. to know what it feels like not just to give, but to receive the love.

i don't want to have to be the friend. the one who makes those hard decisions. the one who stays here like this. while they live the lives i can only imagine. i just want to be a girl. to be saved just once. instead of always being that person who has to let go of.

i don't want to be. but it's what i am i guess. don't want to be strong. i'd rather submit. don't want to be the friend again. i just want to be wanted.

i don't want to be that strong. don't want to be the one who admits to all the truths that lives insist. i just want to be a girl. to be wanted. to be missed. to be loved like everyone else is.

i don't want to be that friend again. that moment too late. i don't want to be what's always taken, never chosen. i don't want to be. not again.

i don't want to be that strong again. to find another path to being friends. i just want to get lost. to be rescued. just once. to not have to choose between love and friendship. to know what it's like to have both.

11-02-03 10:44pm brick NJ sunday

what can i say to you now except that i've said it all. laid my heart upon your table. what kind of fool am i.

what can i do now except succumb to circumstance. knowing that it always had a geater voice than i. knowing more than ever i had submitted myself to the sacrifice.

it's not that i don't know life. it's just that i'd rather not. it's not that i don't understand. it's just that sometimes i wish i hadn't.

if it should come to be. if it should come to pass. god, how i know that it already has.

accustomed to the hurt. accustomed to the sorrow. it ought to be so easy. to watch you leave. to admit that another love was just fiction. how many lies does it take it to know them when they come. how many false loves until you've given up on.

i just wanted to. never meant. i just listened to too many fairy tales. i just heard one too many love songs. i'd only just gotten over. why does it have to hurt this much. why never a moment's peace. why must every truth show itself as a lie come morning.

no reason to cry when every tear is belied by the life you wish had never been. why not laugh when you know how much they're playing you. no reason fighting it when you know you can't win. no reason pretending when you know just who you are. who you'll never be.

what can i say to you now except that you almost made it worthwhile. that all those sappy verses almost didn't seem a lie.

what can i say except nothing can convince me. especially not you. how can i ever trust knowing. how can i ever believe in love. since it's always lied to me.

11-02-03 sunday 11pm brick

just moonbeams. just lost horizons. in the hind of your sight. looking back you know where and why. but it doesn't matter now since. well, truth be told, it never really did.

and lives are something hearts can't contend. islands in the storm. palm trees that your strongest winds can't upend. their fruits may fall. their leaves may blow off. but their roots they keep. the soil that they know, you don't even have any clue what it means.

you can huff and you can puff. and you can sit there waiting for that call that doesn't come. but you're still just as alone as you've ever been. you're still just the one who peels the flesh from beautiful dreams.

just trying. just wanting what isn't yours to be had. just frowining like a moon upon the ocean. wondering why it keeps moving so long after it's dead.

i could sing the songs. if i had the voice. i could write the verses if i actually had a choice. but such things were never mine. i could love if it was within my power. could be loved back if i could ever beleive that. but still i wait on that. because truth is what you make of it. and truth is not something hearts can command. because truth is all we can depend upon. and truth doesn't have any love for the losers or the damaged.

because love is what lives make of it. and every life makes it different. because love comes in stutters. and in time it does forget. like everything that has ever been. it's just a moment. it was gone before it even happened. like everything that life is. it managed what it could and let go of what it couldn't.