Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 8, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-08-03 saturday 12:30am brick NJ

home. if such a place could be. i'd like to go there. someday maybe. phones and sleep intermingle. and every word only seems to lead to that next touch waiting. like a leaf about to drop. it can't be stopped.

we live our livves. these others that we have. and try to separate one chapter from the next. but they inevitablely flow togehter. the novel is bigger than our plot.

i just never wanted anything. you don't know how very little i expected. then when it finanlly came into my vision. i was blinded by the brilliance of. i'm always thinking that you should be other places. always wondering why you're not. i'm always dumbfounded by your willingness. afraid that i'm encouraging your mistakes.

if only i were a dandelion. someone could pick me up and blow all those petals away. let the wind decide what would become. free like life should be, but never is. easy like morning pretends, but can't uphold when the night infects.

where you go. i can't ask. the world you know is not mine to question. i just find myself lost with you inside and wonder why we always do. i just feel the ache and wish that it could last as long as i could take it. am i wrong. of course i am. but why. why when i never meant. it seems to happen without our consent. it happens and then you lay back in your fears and wonder who you've hurt this time. and how long it will last.

11-08-03 7:55am saturday brick NJ

why say no when yes feels so much better. why trek all the way down the mountain when jumping is so much faster.

11-08-03 8:21pm saturday brick NJ

the night whispers and scatters all those little fears through my heart like dandelion kisses. together or apart. either way i feel alone. there's the distraction of. but that's just another one of my many habits.

i can give love, but i can not receive it. that valve is broken. that route is a one way dead end street.

the night whispers and breathes all that emptiness back into me. that which i breathe out as you fill me. it always returns. steadily more quickly.

i can give love, but i can not receive it. that flight is not round trip. i can give love, but won't receive. why? because i don't believe. don't believe you love me.

9:52pm

i wanted to ask you why. why if everything is all right it still isn't. how if friends is what we are you hardly ever found reason enough to venture far enough to embrace it.

i wanted to find a way to make your world better somehow. but i don't know. i keep trying to think of ways to buy you a little piece of happiness. guess you rubbed off on me. i should know better than that. but still it seems, to you that's the only thing that has any impact.

i get it if you didn't fall in love with. i broke and then i watched and waited as those damn pieces all came back together again. and i was glad that we could stay what we have.

i'm just perplexed. it doesn't seem to make sense. why not enjoy the opportunity if you can. friends. sex. places to go and things to fill the time until the next. it just seems strange. if you never fell. if it means only friends. why avoid. why not seize the moment. make the most of what we have.

i think that i really do need to know. that if you skirt the issue again i may not ever be able to trust you again. i need to know. if friends is all you want. and that is what i finally was able to be. why not live it up. have the fun. feel the pleasure.

cuz i don't need protection. i'm way passed that. you can't hurt me like that again. so what would be wrong with us enjoying what we can.

and besides, i really don't think of you as so noble to sacrifice your own needs to keep me safe. because if you would, then that would mean we're not just friends. that you did fall, but couldn't deal with it.

so can you understand my need to know your reasons? because i let time take the love i wanted and ravage it. i did it because i thought that was what you wanted. but really, i never had a clue. i still don't. and sitting here now, thinking about the distance we've befriended i wonder why. why if there are things we both want we can't share them. cuz i'm not going to break again. never. not you. not anyone. i made certain to learn that lesson.

but care i still do as i always will. and it makes me sad. that you can have, but you refuse. something to do. someone to touch. forever was never anything that i would covet. just something fun to do with someone like you. just a means to forget the lives that plague us. don't we deserve. isn't that all we could hope to exchange. time only grows more foul the longer that we waste her assets. time has little sympathy for those unwilling to hunt her prey. i don't want to watch you waste away. and i need to know why you do when you've been given the opportunity to live.

do you love me. more than you want to. is it as true as i feel it. that you're so afraid of the one thing that makes a life worth the effort. or am i just wasting my breath trying to ressusitate a heart too many years dead.

11-08-03 saturday 10pm brick NJ

i don't have a reason. in fact. it's the one thing i've never had. i can't beg any excuses. they've all gone bad.

it's funny how when there's something that you want seems like your world is scattering. running off in all directrions. anywhere that isn't here.

it's hard, but not impossible to use the distractions as if they're your own. but they have the upper hand.

too young to be terminal. too old to be loveble. so what is there left to want. just flesh and all the pleausres it imbues. just your gamble on my roulette. odds are we won't win. before it even began i know friends were lovers in harmless clothes. and no, i didn't resist. no i didn't because those fleeting moments of happiness are too brief to ever let one pass.

wrong or right. friend or lover. how much did you think i could let it mean when. we reached out through the fire to feel eachother again. we burned just to be able to take those scars with us when we have nothing else left. forever. not just this. just what we've found in eachother that takes words and changes them into those footnotes. i almost thought i was found. that i had found.