Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 11, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-11-03 tuesday 8:10pm brick NJ

apathy. breathing against your will. living only because you havent died yet. drawn into quieter places. mindscapes where life does not hold sovereign.

feeling those veins just below my skin. pulsing with the reason i still exist. feeling them and wondering how sharp the blade must be to. how thick this skin. all these years. all this apathy has made it tougher than i ever imagined. all those wounds did not weaken. but rather built an armor of scars and callouses.

what do you want from me? what do you really want? cause chances are i don't have it. chances are you'll go home empty handed, if you're lucky enough to still be able to go back again.

apathy. you never really know what it means until you take it into your veins. like heroin. at first your stoned, but soon you need it just to keep from exploding.

what can i do for you, now that what i've done leaves us like this. i feel just like a cigarette burning between your lips. as if you're addicted. like my burning up is filling you with something that tastes good, but wrecks you in the end.

i am dying. as we all are. day by day the life gives itself away. to all the things it wants. to all the moments it thought it could have. i sometimes think that if we never wanted. never needed. that we'd never die. that life is eternal. but there are so many diseases for it to find.

i am dying. we always are. but i feel it more. it's just like living, only in reverse. that's not the sad part. the sad part is that we're all dying. and worse, we're all dying alone.

11-11-03 tuesday 8:28pm brick NJ

the love in your eyes. i think that i saw it. but i was afraid. so i just closed mine and tried to pretend that it hadn't happened. the love in your eyes. i could almost believe it. if i was someone else. maybe if things had been different.

but why write of things that will never be when so much already is. we cry your tears for what never was when there are so many reasons right here with us.

i'm not lost. i just don't want to be found. not like this. not now. i'm not lacking the feeling. just wishing that i was. seeing where it's leading. i can't care that much again. so i know you'll understand that this apathy is my last line of defense. i can't break like that again. and there's no way i won't if i let myself go with this.

you're the ocean to my shoreline. swallow me up and then leave me again. steal those footprints and then leave again. you'll always be coming back and leaving again. you're the ocean to my beach. keep coming in. keep on leaving.

but why try to resolve those dilemnas that life creates especially for the purpose of being impossible to. why fight when you know that your cause isn't justifiable. why struggle against the undertow when it's finally giving you the drowning you've always desired.

there are places a life must go. roads that must be travelled even if they have no destination. sometimes it's the dead ends that teach us how we are alive. why debate wrong or right knowing that life can't be so tritely categorized. why waste my conscience on such futile guilts when there are a million evils in the world not yet stilled.

there are methods. to love. to friends. there are reasons that they happen. perhaps someday in the future i'll remember them. but if not, i can live without. i have no doubt. since all this time i have.

it's not hard to sacrifice myself. god, that's so easy. it's hard to feel like i've let you go thinking that it didn't matter, when it did so much. it's hard to do anything that may hurt you. knowing i wouldn't have to if i'd been stronger before.

it's not hard for me to submit to the sadness. to be alone again. when if ever, i don't know that i haven't. but it's hard not answer. to leave you linger without saying why. and it's hard to say goodbye to you. cuz it feels like you don't want me to. i should. i know it. i owe you this. but it's hard to hurt you. i don't want to do it.

11-11-03 tuesday 9pm brick NJ

i'll just take a breath. it'll only take a little while. i'll just separate myself for a moment. try to see it like an outsider insstad of someone in the line of fire.

i'll just think of it as another one of the ways there are to love that shouldn't be travelled.

curl up with your life like it's a book you really want to read. something sweet and profound. as life can sometimes be. if you give it the chance. crawl under the sheets of your life and wait while the coldness passes. that's just a moment and then, it's warm again. safe and secure between the sheets of your bigger choices.

like the stones in the bottle that you mentioned. this is just dust. like that mason jar in your story, it might not be full, but isn't almost full enough.

i'm having a hard time now dealing with this. cause i don't just feel my loss. i'm feeling what i gave to you that i ought to be taking back. cause i don't care how much it hurts. i've done it all before. i just feel guilty that i took you this far. i wish that i didn't have to leave you, but staying doesn't seem willing to be what we request. the last thing i ever wanted to do was leave, but it hasn't given us many choices. i'm still waiting on those friends, but they aren't willing. i'm stilling holding out for a better way, but it doesn't look like it's happening.