Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 13, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-13-03 8am thursday

fuck!!!

so where do we go from here...

11-13-03 thursday 12pm brick NJ

i'm not strong. just good at faking it. i'm sick of pretending. i just wanna be weak for a little while. have someone else be strong for me.

why am i always the one left alone. always the lover. never the loved.

sure, you go back to your wife and kids. your nice family life. sounds like it hurts a lot.

what do i go back to. nothing.

11-13-03 thursday 9pm brick

why'd you have to go and make me feel like i'm not alone. why'd you have to make me feel like that when you know it isn't so.

why'd you let me fall in love with you. when you knew it shouldn't be. why'd you have to be so fucking beautiful.

i'm not dead yet. that's all i know for sure. cause if i was it wouldn't hurt like this. i'm not dead yet, but i don't recall ever wanting it more.

friends. sure. we can be that. i kinda always thought we were. but to be with you and not be able to taste your lips. that i imagine is what hell is.

so send me to hell. make me suffer. just don't go.

will tomorrow love us more or less. i wonder how. cause i know now that love is about as strong as. it's not strong at all. and we are weaker yet.

dying this way. it's different. so used to wanting to. all of a sudden wanting to live. dying this way changes everything. knowing it doesn't matter. if i do. or they do too. nothing else matters except. nothing else matters but this hollow in my heart when i remember. when and think that it might never be again.

just how hearts break. no one really seems to know. just that it happens. without warning. no saving. it's always too late.

do you really believe yourself when you say it. that this isn't our end. i'd like for it to be true, though i don't see how it can. did you really believe when you told me that you fell in love with me. maybe you did. but it's probably best if i keep denying.

if i let you go i guess i'd be the better person. if i never laid another finger on you i guess i'd be the better friend. unfortunately, i'd rather touch you. have you touching me. unfortunately, i'd rather be wrong than not to know you like that again.

i don't want to sacrifice again. i don't want to lose again. just once. just once i'd like to win. and i don't want to whine, but i don't want to come to terms with. i don't want to just be friends. since friends is what we've always been. i always meant to love you in the best way that i could. even if that meant breaking again. but now that it's asking, i don't want to do it again. now that it's left me with the prospect of never being with you again, suddenly love has gone all selfish. as if it ever wasn't. i'm trying, but. my intentions were good, but you know how that is. i just wish i never was. had never been. then no one would be losing. no one would have to wish for things that just can't happen.

11-13-03 thursday 10pm

breathe heavy. cry your tears unwept. like breathing underwater. fill my lungs with suffocation. stifle my life with the life it's tried to live.

cause there's no hope. there never was. i was just dangling from that cliff pretending it was a stairway to heaven. there's no hope. there never has been. and you were just another ghost that found a nice home in my attic.

touch yourself and pretend it's that someone else you wish it was. move like it's really happening. sob as the pleasure manifests. it's strange how all that good brings out all that bad in. it's scary how that pinnacle of pleasure is so synonymous with the lowest depths.

what is there for me to write. just goodbye i guess. friends we always were, but this is different. so many times i wanted to, but i could never ask. i'd say it isn't fair, but when is it ever. i'd say you're to blame, but i know you're not.

how hard can it be to let go of that which you never really held. harder than it would seem. how to give away that which you've never owned. people afterall, have choices. no one can be taken or given. no one can love beyond their means.

it's always been this. we just kept refusing. it always was dying. we just kept on trying to keep it alive. i just wish it was me instead. don't want to bury it. can't eulogize. i'd rather it was me. i don't want to live without this. i never did live until you showed me how. i'll miss it. that feeling of life. i never meant to cost you anything. it just felt so good.

i'll miss it. that feeling of you inside. so alive. i never meant to threaten. the feeling was so strong. i'd be lying if i didn't tell you that i've never felt that good before. and it'll probably never be that good again.