Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 15, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-15-03 saturday 8:57pm brick NJ

i'm so tired from trying to be strong. cause i'm really not at all. but only you seem to see that. and it scares me. it's like you have a leash around my heart. and i can't trust how you'll use it.

the fear is natural. the love is cicrumstance. but the trust is tentative at best. i don't want to get lost in this. still i don't want to lose what it is.

i think sometimes that the danger of the forbidden draws on those that feel they've nothing to lose. but i still don't understand why it draws on you.

i listen. i long. amid the malestrom of want and hesitation. i teeter on the edge of letting it happen. giving in while reality holds my footing.

i'm so sick of trying to be strong. when i'm not really at all. and that you seem to see that which no one else can. it makes me weaker still, but reinforces the wall i've built.

i wish that i could write like i used when the desire was all that was real. before any intimacy had come to pass. when it still looked perfectly beautiful because we had yet to know it. hadn't gotten close enough. i sometimes think the best parts of life are the preludes and the epilogues. and all the magic moments that fill the gaps between are only catalysts. that all those beautiful moments that happen because of and cause to happen are not much more than that. just transitions between revelling in the expectations and then after wading through the remnants. it's not love we seek, just the intial falling and the inevitable descent.

11-15-03 10pm brick NJ

so lost in myself that i can't understand anyone else. and i try to. to care. to love without the devastation that it can bring. i try to forget and it only makes me remember. it only questions everything that happened and all that didn't when it seemed it ought to have.

what i really want no one can give me, except myself. am i a coward or just no longer younger enough not to care who it hurts. yes, i guess i am a coward in many respects. but this isn't one of them.

i need to know why i lost you. when i know that we were so close to having. i need to know why i now can only find happiness in misdeed. in people i know want, but not quite enough.

i've always had these questions for you that i could never bring myself to ask. or even when i was brave enough, you just wouldn't answer.

you seem to think that i just fell in love with another, but it's not as simple as that. cause you're the only one i've ever really trusted. not to lie to me, even if that means i'm crushed.

but i could never figure out why you deny yourself the pleasure that your offered. it's not hard to understand if you never fell like i had. but still, why submit to your loneliness when you have other options. why be alone when you don't have.

i guess you'll never let me know. why you did love, but refused to. cause i've always known just how you felt. only never could understand your reactions. i never doubted for a minute that it was genuine. jsut never could fathom how you chose to shun it.