Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 16, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-16-03 7:45pm sunday brick NJ

giving in is easy. especially to you. letting the sin be us for a while. so we don't always have to be. the lie almost had us convinced that it was the only one we could trust. almost had me believing happiness could happen for me.

some friends are for talking. others so much more. but only real friends admit when they can't be yours.

spent so much time looking for an excuse that i nearly forgot what i was trying to save. this love. that is yours. this piece of my soul that bears your mark. this love. if it must be, has only one thing left to give to you. and that's leaving.

11-16-03 sunday 8:32pm brick NJ

all these things aren't making me stronger. they only make me wish harder that i'd never been.

won't watch another tear fall with no one to catch it. laughing at me cause it knows i asked for it. that i knew i could've stayed to my aloneness no more hurt for it, but i chose to feel. feel someting even if it meant. that i actually thought for one minute i could feel anything except. that any love that could survive this poison blood could be any less poison than it.

it's not the aching that i mind so much. something so constant. you become accustomed. it's the hollow. that for a moment you filled up. it's the years ahead. so many still yet. alone. no memory to draw on for inspiration that doesn't have blood on its hands. no love to reflect upon when tomorrow offers no more. no love to relfect upon that doesn't underscore how alone i've always been. and will be evermore.

because i know you'll be fine. that you had everything before you ever came to me. that i was the one who never had. you've got so much. so much i've always wanted. if i didn't love you i might hate you for that.

i don't have to be sad for you. long as i leave you be, there won't ever be a reason. i can stand the pain of my own sorrow, but i couldn't stand to know that i had hurt you. it's not the aching. it's not the breaking. that's become so mundane. it's just being that close and having to let go. it's just knowing it's not something i can ever be.

11-16-03 sunday 9:25pm brick NJ

and i'm not gonna die. not tonight. though it seems i've cried enough tears to drown in them. this body still swims. i ask it not to, but it doesn't listen.

i'm not gonna die tonight. or tomorrow either. i didn't die from him. and you won't kill me either. though i've always wished that someone would. it's up to me i guess.

i'm not gonna die. not now that i want to.

so many ways to. so many deaths that graves don't count. so many corpses to fill the emptiness i've kept. so many things that this life will never know how.

i never wanted to love you. or anyone. but it seems that i did. i never wanted to live, but it just kept on happening. everything i've ever wanted never would let me have it. and if that sounds self-serving you pass that same judgement after you've been me awhile.

i don't hate the world. i don't hate anyone at all. i don't think that i've been cheated. i just think sometimes that some lives would've been better served in smaller portions. that people die every day who want so much to live. and here i sit, still breathing while so many die in my place. and i wish i could be them.

it's not just love. it isn't just friends. though those sorts of things would be nice to have. it's all about the nothing. the nothing i've always been.

is lightning wrong because it sets the ground aflame. is the ocean at fault if it drowns a few men in its waves. not everything is life. not everything is good. it just is. it just happens. and those that wait for it pass are the only ones that know what happiness is. those that wait for it to pass are blessed. and when it has, whatever tragedy it was moves on to its next target. and when it has you just hope that it never comes back. that's what i am.

all i am is all i've ever been. shadow of alone occasionally crossing paths with. all i am is all that i can ever be. you and all of them. you only made it so much more obvious. the hope that i sought it turned on me like a frankestein's monster. i tried to give it life, but then it hated me for it. now it wants me dead. and so do i. now it asks that i should suffer just as much as i've done to it. i should've known better than to try to wake the dead. should have left those graves where they lay. but that need to feel love just kept on calling to me. now i almost wish i'd never known how it feels.

11-16-03 sunday 10pm brick nj

you don't know what it's like to be me and i don't know how it is to be you.

and right now life, all of it, just seems a cruel farce. a dream i can't wake up from. a different reality playing on my senses.

i don't know. and sadly i don't know how much i care. if i do anymore. all the lies we've perpetrated have clothed us in their tattered capes. told us we could fly. but jumping didn't keep its promise.

i don't know why i did. since i always knew just how much it would end up hurting. i guess it's just that's the most i can want. got to feel something. and given a choice i might've opted for something better. but choices have never been my friends. and cirsumtannce is so rarely oblidging.

only thing i'm certain of is that i didn't know everything. the reasons that you did and those that you didn't. i listened. i heard the explainations. but there always seemed to be holes in your logic. i just didn't have the strength to debate knowing no good could come of it.

so i let it happen. so i gave in to the emotion. it's nothing new. i wnet into the trenches knowing i was doomed. so i can't complain. i can't feel sorry for a soldier that chose to smohter the grenade with their own body. maybe they saved some lives. if only i've died trying. if only life could ever be that kind. but it just continues to refuse.

i could write until the words lose themselves in the feeling. keep exchanging rhymes for reality until at last it gets tired of me. i can only hope.

you don't know what it's like. and neither do i. friends, that would be mighty convenenient. but i've been friends before. and it never does work out how you meant. i've tried to be friends so many times. and some peoople. they are, but it'll never be enough for them. some friends may have all the best of intentions, but it's never that simple.

just know that i love you enough to lose you. just remember that i'd rather lose than see it happen to you. i'm tired of being the sacrificious goat. i meant to be strong enough, but it was a hoax. i'm weaker now than i've ever been. all my life i've spent learning how to love that which wasn't mine to have. it ought to be easier now, but it isn't.

you'll never really know how much it meant. how much i needed. how every second we spent together made the world a place worth inhabiting. i just hope that this time i can be as strong as i've always pretended. i loved you. right form that first moment. and sadlly at that same moment i knew that i shouldn't. sadly i knew just what i was dealing with. i heard it your voice as you spoke on your cell phone and i ignored it. i was wrong from the beginning. i can't tkke that back, but maybe i still can remember how friends drift apart. how lovers forget. i was wrong. more wrong that i ever thought my life would let. sorry doesn't say it but, it's all i have. sorry isn't enough i know. but it's all i have left to give. sorry and sacrifice.

i'm so tired of being alone, but alone isn't my captor. it's who i am. be happy. i hope that you can.

kill me now or leave me to linger. only you'll know the difference. lead me back to that place where i began. i'll die again, but it still won't be enough.