Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 17, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-17-03 monday 8:20pm brick NJ

keep your calm. keep your quiet. like a dull blade on your wrist. skating across the skin. leaving skid marks but never a real threat. taste the friction like salt water on your lips. keep to yourself. keep your silence as if it's a friend. it's always there when no one else is.

i had to cry last night. cried just like a girl. because this was a suicide mission. because we'll never be friends. because i actually believed for a minute that you were in love with me. but you can't have been. because if you ever loved me you would've never let this happen.

11-17-03 monday 8:38pm brick NJ

goodbye. it never tasted so sour as it does now. the mark of time on these lives. it never seemed quite as permanent as it does right at this moment. the scars of love. the character they lend is hardly enough to offset the ugliness they embed.

if i could say it i already would have. if i could be it. now, that's a laugh. if they knew. oh, if they could. if tomorrow could actually grant wishes.

friends. it's what we always become. so why does it seem impossible this time. love. it's soft and pliable like moist clay. mold it to our likeness. it just isn't yielding of late.

hi. how are you. what's up. fill the hours with chatter and hope that your dreams won't revisit. too many places i don't want to go. too many faces i'd rather not see. far too many breaths that sneak life into this flesh when it no longer wants it. but lungs persist. and this heart still beats. much as they wound it, it refuses to admit defeat.

friday night knows just who we are. and saturday morning keeps the secret quiet. but sundays are fickle and unpredictable. friday will long for us long after we've given her up. and saturday won't really care at all. but sunday. oh, sunday aches the most. because sunday has seen everything and she envies. and she wishes she could've known.

11-17-03 monday 9:35 pm brick NJ

i know there's no god. cause if there was i'd already be dead. i know life's not that hard. but that doesn't neccessarily make it worth living.

if i know that i'm alone then i guess i just want to be left like that. instead of pretending i have things that i never can.

if i must encounter. cross some paths on my way to the end. if hearts do flutter. drag us to places we'd never go otherwise. i don't need a new lover. i don't need a new friend. i need something to believe in. i need a reason to live.

you can laugh if you want to at how much i can grieve for nothing. you can call me a child if it makes it easier. but i've never met anyone who can tell me why they live. why they want to except for that they're afraid of dying. all the heavens that they speak of. all the gods that they worship, aren't they the ones who shouldn't fear it. yet somehow they fear it the most. so tell me now that it's not just a cushion. tell me why you live and see if i'm convinced.

just don't tell me children. cause you've brought them into such a cruel world. cause no one ever asked to be born. and offpsring is one of the most selfish acts i can think of.

i know i'll just keep on living. hating every minute of it. i know i'll always be waiting to die. and anyone i tell will think it either a lie or self-pity. but i'm not the one using the act of reproduction to give my life meaning. i'm not the one praying to gods who aren't listening. i'm just admitting what is. and what isn't. there's no reason. no method. just particles in space colliding and connecting in an infinite chain unending. just vapor and the trails that it makes. just the rhythm of inertia causing all objects to vibrate.

love me again when i'm dead. until then, just leave me to die. cause i'm tired of trying to live. tired of pretending there's treasure buried underneath all this sadness.

alone. don't you get it. of course, you can't. since you're not. and you take the opportunity to love what you can. you take more than you need cause i'm giving. cause need offers, but seldom asks. because the lonely are so tempting. so easy. because i've nothing to lose anyway. nothing that matters at least.

my face is just a shadow as. darkness presses hard upon. my flesh is just a sponge to absorb all those moments when something else was too important to say what you really thought. i'm just a blanket. lay me out across your puddles. use me to keep your feet clean. wrap yourself in me when your life grows cold.

i'm a person. didn't you know. i'm a person. or at least pieces of one that used to be. or maybe i'm just a hollow cavity. pour your loneliness into me. there's so much already. you can go home better for it and who will even notice what's in me.

11-17-03 monday 10pm unsent email

life is a sickness, drink it up. love is a disease. don't succumb.

love is nothing but a chemical reaction. and friends are just lovers telling lies.

love is nothing that i can have. and friends are just people who know that.

i love you. i'd say it to your face, but i'm afraid you'd laugh at me. and even if i could. and you wouldn't where would that put us. still nowhere we haven't been. still as alone as alone has ever spun.