Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 23, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-23-03 sunday 8:37pm brick NJ

i don't feel the ache of a broken heart. though i know it is. i don't feel the missing when someone you want is gone. though i know i do. i don't have anything. nothing. i never had. nothing. i am. i don't have. and i choose not to want anymore. i don't feel anything except this emptiness. this hollow in my heart and head.

i hear the songs. i know their pain. but they slip right through me without rustling a single nerve-end. they're beautiful. beautiful like pain is. the cinderella to love's ugly step-sisters. i know it, but i can't feel. and the urge to write asks me to remember again, but i don't know that i can.

i listen. eyes closed. to feel the notes. the chords of life having been lived electrified and vibrating all the myriad emotions that go with. i know they exist. i know i once did. but i can't feel anything now, except the empty. this blackhole inside

i don't have. never did. never can. i don't pity. i'm just waiting for death. i called in for the delivery, but it still hasn't arrived. why can't i. why don't i. when it's all i've ever really wanted. not to live this farce of a life. not to waste years extracting particles of happiness out of situations comprised of ninety nine percent grief.

i'm drawn to the pain. and i can't stop. it calls to me like a siren. so many way to hurt myself. so readily available. and always someone willing to. i'm drawn to the pain, but i don't want to be. only, there's never been anything else that would have. only friend. sadness and substance. cause pain needs me even more than i need it. i make it real. and substance just does what you tell it. purchasing ways to not be myself as often as it will let.

i don't understand why i live. and so many who wish to aren't granted. i want to give my life for someone else's. someone who wants it like i never have. i've lived without a purpose. i want to die with one. i want to give my life so that someone who wants to might live. i don't want to spend my life killing time wondering when it'll decide to kill me in return. i want to give myself away. to give my life away to someone who deserves.

i don't feel the ache of a broken heart. though i that it is. i don't feel the loss. or lack of love. i feel nothing. only empty. only the hollow where i once was.

11-23-03 sunday 10pm brick NJ

too fucked up to care. about anything aside from myself. that's just how i learn to live with the things that i can't have.

you were a rainbow that i chased. but the pot of gold was meant for someone else. you were a rainbow. and though i saw all the pretty colors. i couldn't keep the gold.

i was dead. and then you brought me to life. i didn't want to be resusitated. damn, if you didn't listen. damn, if you didn't.

i just wish i knew why since we both knew it was only temporary.

maybe what i needed was this emptiness. maybe it's the only one who can truly love me. and i needed you to show me.

i don't know. i don't care. i'm just full of too many things a life should never love. i'm just lost deep in a froest that there's hardly a path to get out of.

i just know that i can't ever love you again. i just know that you were my friend, but. well, it was too much more than that to ever trust. i just know that being broken. or having being isn't my afflication. i just know that i love you too much to ever ask again. and i hate it. always needing never having.

i want what those other lives have. selfishness. possession. i just know that tomorrow won't be better, but worse still. and i guess i made this bed. i'm not looking to blame. don't want to think at all. can't feel. just remembering when i did.

i want to wish you happy endings. i just wish that it didn't mean. i just want the ones i've loved to know that i really did. nothing to gain. no loss. just time killing. i just want tomorrow to understand how it can be. how it can't.

11-23-03 sunday 11pm brick NJ

broken hearts like records skipping. pick the needle up. send it back to the beginning.

i am empty. you don't know how much. i know you've never been. because i've tasted you. and it wasn't there in your flesh.

if wanting were enough, well, then we'd already be.

but love is something altogether different. and need, that's a whole 'nother topic.

i can't cry foul. i can't hate or blame. i can only sit. listen and watch. wondering how life takes these tricks and makes them appear real somehow.

i don't want a reason. don't need an excuse. need not justify something that shouldn't be. i just wish someone could understand this emptines. more than hurt. more than pain. it fills me up with a nothing that's more firightening thana any heartbreak.

i guess it's just life deciding that it'd rather not. that it never realy did. i guess it's just realizing that all the places i've been maintain no footprints. every step swept away by.

i don't have a plea. not have an excuse. i'm guilty. i'm used. it's not about the over. it's about the absense. it's not about the me or you. it's in the nothing that i lose myself.

i hope that you never do understand. it's that last thing that i'd want. i hope you have the fullness that is your heart.

i could've, but life would never allow. and all those other things that tend to interfere. i don't want to know why another love just couldn't find a reason. i don't want to ask. don't need to cry. it's gone beyond all that.

i'm empty and that's jut how i ought to be. i'm alone. so just leave me be.