Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 25, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

11-25-03 tuesday 9:10pm brick NJ

what you don't understand is that i am truly alone. you can't change that. even if you really wanted to. it is not a situation. it is a part of my being.

these so called friends. the irony is not lost on me. it's just too old to laugh at anymore.

and us. that almost was. i am neither shocked nor dismayed. that is all i've ever known.

and what is there left for me to be now other than numb. comfortably? i know not. comfort is something i find hard to grasp unless it is wrapped in the skins of forget yourself substances.

why am i no longer poetic. given my sadness. given my loss. because i am numb. indifferent to it all. the feelings. the love. the anger. the sorrow. they've overrun my conscience to such a degree that i can feel none of them. and these tired attempts at living only underscore that impossibility. for anything greater than this. this numbness. this feel nothing. no pain. no pleasure. just existence.

yes, i've been here before. more of my life than not. yes, it is self-absorbed. but what to expect from me when myself is the only one who will have me. what to expect of when all attempts at contact only.

i feel like a liar when i talk to you. feelings surging in my blood. sparking fevers under my skin. i feel like a liar because i listen and i talk as if i don't want. as if i'm all right, but i'm not.

i feel like a corpse when we say goodbye again. because i die every time it happens. you are constantly giving me life and then killing me again. because i can't stop hoping that. though i know it can't. every hello sparks a new wish. every goodbye eviscerates it.

i feel not myself when we prattle on about the mundane parts of life. and like you are trapped between the walls you've built to keep this. and it's all my fault. numb, but not without memories of. a paradox of poetry and presense. i write, but do i. i listen. i speak, but all i hear is silence.

11-25-03 tuesday 9:33pm brick NJ

ask me what i want and i'll say that i don't know. why? because the one thing i've always wanted no one can. only me. i didn't give myself life. but somehow i'm responsible for taking it away. i didn't put life into these bones, but now they are my responsibility.

and any lives that i may have touched. any hearts that may miss me when i'm gone. i'm responsible for their sadness. not just my own. and mine seems so trite given that it's always been. and they don't understand. how can they. they don't even know who i am.

is it christmas time again already. another year to refute or praise. another 365 days to try to forget. but they'll never let that happen. memory being so much stronger than the urge to circumvent. the pictures that hearts take develop permanent. and these lonely nights frame them. these lonely words hang them. a gallery of sadness all along the halls in my head.

is it that time of year again. to thank for. to give. to look at the pretty lights and imagine that dreams can. i've seen so many christmases, but they never do grant any wishes. so i'd rather just forget from now on. i'm tired of celebrating years i never wanted. i don't want to see a new year come. don't want to be a part of. it's wasted and it's useless. it's as empty as all those boxes after the presents have been opened. it's about as precious as the long lines the day after to return them. cause no one ever wants what you give them. and no one gives unless they're told to. and christmas isn't to blame, but neither is it innocent. and friends can try their damndest, but there might not be any way to overcome this.

what are you trying to achieve. do you really think that we. why say hello only to say goodbye again. why torture ourselves when these hearts would be so much quieter left alone. i should tell you. if you don't already know. this can't last. no matter how much that.

some people they can be. but we're us. for some people friends is enough. but we're us. and it isn't. don't tell me i'm wrong. i know this.

cuz friends don't call every day. and friends don't want to cry every time the conversation closes. cuz friends can hang out and feel no need to touch. cuz friends can be together without having to supress a thousand urges.

some lovers are meant to be friends. it's not unusual. it just isn't us. i can let you hang on. i can be selfish, but i won't.

and i wonder what it's like to possess someone. wonder how other people do it. how it feels to have. i never wanted to possess anyone. cuz people afterall are not to be owned. but those that possess seem much better off than those that don't. wrong or right, they seem happier stil than i could ever hope to know. or if not happier, in better company at least.

i love you. and these conversations do nothing to quell. i need you, but you won't ever be. shouldn't. so they tell me. but i don't know why. why certain choices lead. but you choose. you have chosen. just like they all did. and i'm not surprised. i'm not angry. just disappointed.

but then it's nothing strange. it's nothing that will kill me. i should only be so lucky. no, i die on. while life keeps on killling me. you choose. and i can't oppose. you choose. you don't want to think about it, but that's what you do. you choose. to be possessed rather than to be with me. and it's no surprise. no further affront to my ego. i can't hate. i'm just disappointed. just slightly more jaded since. i don't question your reasons. but i wonder why you let it happen knowing you'd never. not that i didn't know. not that i wasn't even more foolish. i'm responsible too. i know it.

but friends. how? by pretending that i'm not hurt. by forgetting this ache. friends? how. because you feel sorry for me. because you still want to believe there might be an us somehow. friends we are not. no more than any lover has ever been. no more so than the boundaries this situation has set. friends. hardly since you had all the power and you let this happen. let me love you anyway. you knew what you wanted all along, but you lied and said it was me. you knew what you needed from the start, but you lied and told me i was a part.

11-25-03 10:18pm brick NJ

i want you cuz i'm alive. but much moreso i want to die.

i love you because i am. but moreso i want to never have.

i talk to you because you're there. cuz i know you choose to be. at your distance. your new inbetween. lost somehere in the space between love and loved. struggling within the roles of antagonist and champion.

i want you cuz i'm still live. so kill me now before i.

i love you because it is so. every breath confirms. so takes these breaths away.

leave me linger on all the loves i almost had. leave me falter on all the pages only partially filled. cuz you might have loved me. but hell, it didn't prove a damn thing. you might've love me, but what did it really mean.

i want you because i'm still alive, but moreso i hope to die.

i love you because that is what i feel. but much moreso i want not to feel anything. much moreso, i'm sorry. sorry, that we tried to be.

11-28-03 11pm brick NJ friday

fucked up as i am, as much as i seek it. it feels good. almost as good as.

i'm wanting. wanting so much to retain what we can.

fucked up as i am i may not know exactly what i'm saying. but where else to find truth when sober lives refuse.

there's the love for you in my heart that wants to forgo itself for your benefit. but that same love wants all it can have. it just doesn't know at all what it is able to have. if anything.

and stairways to heaven beckon like songs that mean too much.

i wonder do you miss the things i used to write. that i stil do, but won't submit. i wonder what we've lost. what we stand to gain from what's left.

i'd like to think the best, but i can't. i'd like to think we've won, but i know we've finished last.

what can i hope now except that i've not done too much damage. what i can i claim with this love other than if it truly is that i must sacrafice again. since that's how it always ends.

no need to mourn myself since i've already so done that. and no need to pity the people that wanted, but not quite enough.

and i know it's just life constructing it's flimsy bridges it won't ever let us cross. i just. well, i just thought that you were different. i guess that mkes me foolish. because more than ever it was that much more obvious. but somehow when you were there it didn't seem so. somehow there within your touch all the rest of the world vanished. and i almost thought that. i was stupid, but i had every right to be consdiering. i was stupid, but i was too tempted to be smart. that's what love does, makes us stupid. that's what life endeavors. to cause us to trust even when it's not. it's just way too easy to let it. too hard to not. i didn't want, but this is what i got. i didn't ask. it's what i had. what i thought i did, but lost. like a shadow as the sun moves in. sweet darkness forefeited because. i can't claim, but i've every right to disdain. i can't say i'm without blame, but i've every right to hate. i can't claim. but i've every right to blame. cuz this heart was fragile and you knew it, but let it wager still the same. i can't not love, but i can't find a reason that i should have. when tomorrow begs her questions who will answer them. i can't. can you. or was it all just.