Dark Poetry Prose Poetry November 30, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

late November

over yourself
underlying
coach your sandess
back behind the scenes

11-30-03 sunday 3:37pm brick

friends are just an illusion,
love is just a drug -
of all my many vices
it by far is the most destructive.

of all my many mistakes
and misguided faiths,
friendship is the most hurtful lie
and love is still yet to be mine.

giving up is easy -
you need only stop answering
and let them go back to their lives.

goodbye is easy - you don't
ever have to say it,
just remain quiet and submit
yourself to the fact that
it was present
from the beginning.

that never a minute elapsed between that
didn't contain goodbye
in its every breath,

when you admit this and
that it never was love,
it's easy to be still,
let them go back to
their life again.

accept that alone is
your only true friend,
and love might be real for them,
but it will never want you.

11-30-03 sunday 9pm brick NJ

i'm the dream that wakes you in a sweat. the undying secret that shadows your every step. when you wake up in the darkness unable to see anything except the crazy world that filled your head. when you wake up and can't remember exactly, but feel the threat.

i'm the nothing that you fear most of all. the empty in your chest that you smother under a thousand blankets of hobby and friend. stack your reasons high. stack them like building blocks. every fragile piece of happiness perched precariously at best. just one gentle wind is all it would take to wreck.

i'm the song that's only piano and sadness. so beautiful in its desperation. like the ocean beating rocks. looking. always looking in its pain for a way that it can stop.

hold me close or hold me far. i'll never know the difference because i can't feel it. not who i am or where you are. i can't feel it. never could. not what you wanted or where your blind journey led. i couldn't feel it then and i can't feel it now. why you went or exactly how. what you meant or the hole you tore to get out.

i don't mourn the losses. i thank them. cause that's what they all have been. they're all i have to love. to remember when. i don't cry for the goodbyes. i revel in them. cause that's what they all were from the beginning. better than nothing i guess. this nothing that always follows them.

i don't crash. don't break or bleed. a few surface bruises maybe. but no casts are needed. i don't break down. because i won't give it that victory. if i must always lose i will do it on my own terms. i will do it as if i meant to. cause truth be told, i think that i did.

11-30-03 sunday 10:10pm brick NJ

this is us. whoever we are. whatever we can. or must. this is us. now and forever after. the tears and the laughter like shadows spawned without a sun. they crop up unexpected and cast their darkness upon the light that we once felt compelled to trust.

but never again. no more. never again. no more. jackal minutes hunting like cannibals. hyena souls crowding the wounded. tear them down in a frenzy of blood and hunger. so determined to feed on flesh. and muscle exposed. so sure of themselves.

gods in wait. doleing out their misery like deities contend. like a perfect definition of living. breathing just because you are. learning once more how little. how useless. how far. a million suns away from any kind of light that could ever warm. light years apart from.

that touch was just a dream and then you woke up. oh how it hurt to greet the rising sun. oh how it hurt to learn it was a dream again. and reality like a spider spinning you in its web. paralyzed, but still aware of all the world around as it consumes you. unable to move as the the cycle of life devours.

once upon a time a child was born, but no one bothered to ask if she wanted to be. and how could it matter much when you don't have that choice once the conception has been. once upon a time, a child thought why. too young to fathom the implications, but still filled with all the sorrow that soul brought with it from wherever it came from. never a day. never a night. never a second that transpired without anguish. from the beginning. and to the end. nothing's changed since. and it won't. it never has. so don't expect.

and if love should tease. if it should dance on those sharp edges and spill its blood upon my lips. if i drink. if i taste. just have to remember not to swallow. for the poison in it. only it's too sweet not to take all the way in. only i can't resist. and i am infected again.

if hearts should lie and paint portraits that smile. bright colors of love that mimic what have other lives. if hearts should deceive. singing songs that have no reprise. emptier yet than just accepting. hearts will lie. they will do anything not to feel this ache. the echo of emptiness that quakes through lives like mine. so sparse. and barren. deserts of life. hearts will lie. don't believe them. love will pretend its a rainbow. but they'll be no treasure at its end.

castles will bend under the weight of the noon sun. and you'll try to close your eyes, but the light will be too bright and then you'll have to see. have to inhale again. that sallow air. the hollow silence. you'll remember them. like sips you took in kind. like those fleeting highs. you'll remember them like bottles left till morning. drained, but not without a pleasure from. you'll question love, but it won't have an answer. maybe it was. but even if it wasn't. what can it matter since. this is us. always has been.