Dark Poetry Prose Poetry December 1, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

12-01-03 10:05pm brick NJ monday

i had one of those long weekends again. the kind where you sit quietly for hours at a time lingering on the knowledge that you're losing again. that this aching will last much longer than those fleeting moments of happiness that spawned it.

you feel it seething deep under your skin while you spend hours trying to win at the only things you can. freecell and tetris. games mimic something of life. and you keep trying until you beat your personal best. only to find those accomplishments leave you less fulfilled somehow than before you had achieved them. maybe because they're just games. maybe because you never really cared about them. you just had nothing else to do with all the time this life collects.

i had one of those long weekends again. the kind where the end becomes a presense. sits next to you all the hours that you idle. you can close your eyes, but you can't not feel its coldness surround. you can turn shapes on the screen for 376 total lines, but then when the game is over, it won't remember. won't even care. maybe i can write a note that they carve it on my gravestone, since that's all this life has to show.

maybe somehow i can find a way to make these games my friends. since no one else is. maybe somehow i can find love in these useless tasks. since every other method only ends like this did.

maybe you, this, us, was just another lesson. i just wonder when i'll have learned enough not to have to hurt like this again.

all i have left to write is that i knew the moment that the word friend was spoken just what it meant. no more time together. not much to talk about anymore. all i have left to write is that i knew just what it meant when you said friends. it's just a euphamism for goodbye. i wish it wasn't, but what can i do besides accept. grieve again. i just wish i could reconcile the fact that you knew. that you had so much to return to and you knew how little that i had. i just wish i could understand why you'd do that. i want to. maybe someday i can. but not tonight. right now it hurts too much. almost anger. i do understand your perspectifve. but not why you had to hurt me before you realized what was more important.