Dark Poetry Prose Poetry December 16, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

12-16-03 tuesday 9pm brick NJ

i write like any of it matters. carve these thought's notches into the bedpost of life. scratches. that's all they are. surface scratches.

used to listen, but now i've given that up. learned to be more selfish. since it's the only shield against all those little disappointments that sneak passed my usual defense.

used to care. care for them. but time unwinds all those spirals. just leaves behind the lonely threads. escalator moments going down and never up again. take me shopping in the gift store that your heart is. if you break it you own it. isn't that just how we know we've had an effect. on someone else. wiith someone other than ourselves.

i'll buy you presents off of the shelf where you keep your feelings precious. i'll gift wrap them. in shiny could haves and fluffy bows of never dids. i'll make you gifts out of your own discontentment. and dress them up so beautifully you'll never know that you didn't want them. that you wish they weren't.

i die like anyone notices. die again.

12-16-03 9:30pm brick NJ

llife it seems moves like waves. rising and crashing into us. taking us to great heights and drowning repeatedly those moments.

the songs may sing. the words may rhyme, but that doesn't make these nights any less inadequate.

breathing feels like pulling teeth. stretching sinew begging the keep.

i don't want to feel, but i still do. part of me is numb and the rest is aching deeper than these words can trust. i don't want to feel, but i do. part of me is comatose, but the rest is hurting so much it can't utter a single word.

and it's strange when you're someone who's always put it down here like this. suddenly unable. every metaphor a noose. it's like suffocating on what you're feeling. i can't breathe because it hurts too much to put to writing.

i don't care if i'm wrong. i want to die. always have. i can't live a life just to protect them from my sorrow. every day a lie. every hour borrowed.

there's no reason to want this. no reason to keep pretending that i want to live. i die every night. they just never see it. i'm dying right in front of their eyes, but they turn their heads. deny it.

so if life moves in waves like it does. cresting and plummeting like the wish of a star that's fallen. the sand must know just how it feels to be her. to constantly relive that same moment over and over again. unchangeable destiny. carving her impression into the shore and then again erasing. tugging on release over and over. for eternity. grasping. never holding. then again pulled away.

i can't give a reason for how it is. how it isn't. i can only see it. then accept. then cry that it wasn't. i can't ask a question without already knowing the answer. can't make a friend out of someone who means so much more. i can only write these stifled verses and try to breathe again. not because i want to, but because they don't understand yet.

12-16-03 tuesday 10pm brick NJ

my apology. i'm sorry that this is me. so sorry that i don't see why you're all so glad to be living. sorry. that's just what i am. sorry i tried to live knowing that i can't. sorry i couldn't know the reasons that other lives have.

my apology. this is it. apologizing for me being me. apologizing for all me isn't.

i can't. i just don't know why. why tomorrow means so much. why you all look forward to it. why you bother believing in love.

i'm sorry. sorry that this is who i am. so much less than i could've been. i'm sorry that i'm selfish and want to die. sorry that i was born and tried to live.

sorry for all the lives i've entered without the right. sorry for all the times i've mistaken loneliness for friendship.

this is my apology for having been born. for having tried to live. for pretending that life could happen within all this emptiness.

my apology is alll i have left to write. i'm sorry. sorry i lived. sorry i was too much a coward to die. i'm sorry. sorry for every kiss. sorry for every word i've ever said. sorry because i should never have tried to live. sorry because i lied to myself and i lied to them. every moment that we took. every touch that we exchanged. every conversation that wouldn't end. i'm sorry. sorry i tried to live. sorry i couldn't be a better friend.

my apology. i'm sorry i couldn't get over it. sorry it ever had to happen. sorry because i never deserved it. sorry because i could've been much less selfish. my apology is for being born. because i never should have been.

my apology. sorry i loved you when i knew i shouldn't. sorry i said i could be your friend when i knew that i couldn't. sorry for every second that i've ever lived. sorry for every kiss. every word that led to this. my apology is all i have left to give. beacause i'm sorry. so sorry that we never could. sorrier still that i did when i knew that i never should.

i'm sorry. sorry for all of it. every moemnt i lived on oxygen that wasn't mine to take. sorry for every hour that kept you awake because. sorry i was born. sorry i tried to live. sorry because that's what i've always been. i'm an apology. that's what i am. cause i'm sorry. so sorry that this life ever thought if could live. sorry. sorry because you have so much. and i should've seen that long before this.