Dark Poetry Prose Poetry December 30, 2003 Dark Poetic Prose

12-30-03 9:43pm brick NJ tuesday

i've been sad for so long i've come to believe there is no alternative.

and when these feeble friendships falter i won't be surprised by your absense. i won't cry. won't miss. i've already done all that. i started preparing for goodbye from the moment that we met.

it's another year at our throats. a new year to wish wouldn't come. another year to put away deep down in the cellar of hope.

it's just memory afterall. life happens quickly. what we know. what we feel. it's just memory. cause when we're there in it, it isn't yet real. the mind. the heart. they need time to process. to interpolate what has happened. life doesn't really ever happen until you take the time. until you decide you'd like to remember it.

i've spent so much time observing life. i don't know that i've ever lived it. i don't know that i can. i like to watch. to wonder at. it makes no sense to me. like how rain and sleet and snow can be the same substance and yet so different. how people can put these moments into your life and just leave them there to die. life. it makes no sense to me. so i just watch it. collecting memories like bottles for recycling. maybe in another form they'll find a purpose.

i've wanted so much, but could never ask. i've spent so long looking at life that i forgot how to be a part of it. so long a spectator. now i wonder what i've missed. now i wonder why i find it so hard to participate. i don't know what i'm more afraid of. life or love. or just the this absense where i thought they'd be someday.

friends. is that what we have become. is that all that you can offer me now. friends. hardly what i need. like a rainbow needs another color. like a blizzard needs another snowflake. i don't need your friendship. myself is the only friend i can trust. friends. that's not enough. a friend i already have in me. what i need is love.